That doesn't surely help me building a kind of self confidence, well the confidence someone so damn nasty and useless as I am can have.
But anyway...
Ended up binging today (hehe...I didn't doubt it).
I did try to refuse food, said I woke up late and had breakfast late, said I was feeling sick (I really was, actually) but ehi, a stomach cancer can perfectly wait that you've eaten all the edible of your easter lunch before killing you (that is basically everybody in my family's opinion). And because I'm incredibly weak, I shut up and kept eating.
I feel so miserable.
So damn ashamed of myself.
But I don't wanna cry. I couldn't, anyway. I'm not good at crying. I usually just do it when I have a panic attack and completely lose the control of myself.
I don't wanna purge, putting the fingers down my throat. I have vomited a bit, but it was my stomach expelling that crap itself, I didn't do anything to stimulate him. But I know that's no good. Kills your metabolism, your throat, your teeth and makes me feel so damn pathetic.
I gotta stay positive, cause I do have a plan for these months and I know that if i put my self down before starting I'll never make it.
But I HAVE TO make it. I need to.
So well, tomorrow I give a party at my house. I'll try not to eat much (I don't particularly like junk food anyway) so unless I have a binge attack I should do it alright. But I don't wanna think too much about it, cause it's a party, last day before great adventure starts, so I'll try to eat just a little but don't wanna worry too much about alcohol.
I doubt I'll have a lot of it, anyway, cause I've got quite a lot of hashish, and I don't like getting completely wasted by mixing the two things. And well I usually don't have those hunger attacks after smoking hashish or weed, so I should do it alright.
Then my plan starts.
First of all, I must stay fit. So well I already go to school by bike everyday, but I will try to get there earlier, so I can walk a bit up and down the street, waiting for the bell to ring.
Then I must go to the gym at least 5 days each week.
I must remember to eat a lot of very very very little meals. Like opening a pack of crackers and eat one per hour. So well I'll eat often, speeding (hopefully) my fucking metabolism and get only 100 Kcal in like 6 hours. This is gonna help me a lot when I'll start the ABC diet.
So my diet plan for the future is...
10/04: fasting- drinking drinking drinking drinking nice cool water and iced cubes all the time
and then from the 11 I'd start with this diet I've found surfing in the net, going through loads of pro ana or ednos blogs:
which seems to be a good way to get used to the restriction of the ABC's diet. It should be good, considering that at the gym I always do 1 hour of cardio, burning usually at least 600 Kcal and then I do several excercise, so well my actual intake will be max of 100 Kcal.
I dunno if that's enough.
But on the other hand I'm afraid that a fasting will kill again my metabolism.
But, after all, it's just MY fault if I have to end up recurring to this. I could have started so much before and done things more easily and risking less. But it's not something I do just for myself.
Most for it, yeah. 'Cause I'm freaking tired of being the fat one. The one that everybody looks with pity, the one who never gets into the nice outfits, the one who always need to be assured that she's not fat. lieslieslieslieslieslies.
I'm tired of lies. I'm tired of living in this body I don't feel mine. In this nasty, disgusting body. I feel dirty. So much dirty. And even if I know it's not just my fault I can forgive my self for letting certain things happen...but that's another story.
Now I really want to make things finally work. And I want to feel beautiful in his arms, when I'll finally see him, after all this time. I don't want to be ashamed of my guilty body.
Sooooo don't really want to get boring now. Lost the sence of what I've written and I'm, as usual, too lazy to check if I made any mistakes in that.
Stay strong, always.
NS
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