Sick...

I'm getting used to the idea that nobody will ever read this, but I still can use it as a way to keep going and "staying strong".
And I will need a lot of strength. Oh! So very much, indeed.

Weighted my self today.

Ouch.

Damn.

Fuck.

125 FUCKING LBS!!!!!


I'm so ashamed...Feel so sick, so disgusting. Can't even look at the mirror. Oh damn. How did I get this fat? Where was I when my body was doing horrible things?
Why can't I ever ever ever ever control myself???

I hate this... I hate myself. I...I'm so tired of being my self. Why can't I be someone else? Someone better? Someone...not this dirt!
I have been told I'm a disappointment for all my life. I've tried to prove them wrong. I've tried to change. I didn't want to be such a worthless amount of fat and incompetence. I just wanted someone to like me.

But I'm still alone. And I was alone even when I was 89 lbs, but at least people didn't look at me with that disgusted face because of my awful body.

I'm not pretty.

I'm not intelligent. I was, maybe. But that must have been some time ago.



I'm not a pleasant company.


I'm not interesting. I read loads of books and do a lot of things, but that's not enough to make someone interesting, is it?


I'm quite keen on psychology, but every time I tried to give someone a bit of advice I apparently made a mess.

I'm the only one in my family who isn't a freaking genius at anything and hasn't won a fucking prize and shit like that.

I'm the freaking fattest girl in my class, and in all public situations, actually.

People keep not liking me. They say I give them the creeps.

I am ashamed of opening my mouth, cause every time I do it, I say the most inappropriate thing ever.

I'm not that good at school, when my father is very competitive and keeps telling me that whatever I do is not enough.

Oh you should see the way he looks at me when I eat. But how can I blame him for doing it, after all?

The boy I'm in love with loathes me, thinks I'm the most stupid and disgusting thing ever.

I'm apparently cheating the nicest, the sweetest, the kindest boy ever, cause we both desperately need someone to take care of us, but I'm starting considering the whole thing too much of a stress and too pathetically fake.

I am such a fake, such a sleazy person.

I'm a freak of nature.

There's no place for me, anywhere. I'm just too big and full of crap to deserve to live.

Why shouldn't I die, after all? I have never done anything good in my life and I never will. What's the point with trying? Why making this effort?

I wish I could die right now. Gently suffocate...

I feel so sick but I don't want to vomit. It's not good for my metabolism and I have already vomited a bit, actually.
Uhm not really " a bit" but not even soo much.
I didn't mean to...but I did it.
My fingers went down my throat before I could get the control of my body back.
Couldn't go to the gym today. Damn it damn it damn it again!



I've been able to follow my diet though (for what it's worth...)

Breakfast: sugar free coffee
Snack: 3 crackers (90 cal)+ sugar free green tea
Lunch://
Snack/dinner (well, it was 4.45 pm, so I don't know how to consider it): seafood soup (the whole thing was 120 cal and I ate half of it, so 60 cal) + 3 pieces of chocolate (150 cal) + sugar free green tea

Tot: 300 cal

but I haven't exercised...well, not yet. And I think I'll take another sugar free green tea, which apparently helps you to burn calories. And I wanted to take a glass of apples vinegar, which seems to make you lose weight faster. It's so disgusting actually and my stomach and my throat sore so much when I have it, but hey, I let this happen to my body and I'm gonna pay for it.



Look what the hell I did to my self!
You could use this as a reverse thinspo... I'm so ashamed!!
But this will change.
This has to change.

I'm so disgusted. I wish I was good inside, but I'm clearly not.
I think this will be my most motivating thinspo. I also tried to do an "after preview" with Paint, but I'm a shit at drawing with the computer.

Still, just to remember how far I am from my goal:

I feel so helplessly destroyed inside me that I would cry forever.
But I can't. I can't cry. It has been ages since the last time I did. Sometimes I lose the control and burst into tears without even a specific reason. But now I just can't do it.

I feel...empty...like a forgotten ship's skeleton, abandoned by the beach of a desert island where it never stops raining.

I feel dry.

I feel that I really want to die.