The monadic condition

Do you ever feel like falling in love with a sentence?


Sometimes it happens to me that I read something that simply can't get out of my brain anymore and the more I go on the more I get persuaded that there's so much of me in that sentence.

This has happened several times, but there's a Latin sentence I can't get out of my mind, which says "Homo sum: humani nihil a me alienum puto".This is the sentence I'd like to get a tattoo of and it basically means "I'm human: I don't consider as stranger anything which is related to human".

I truly believe in this sentence, I swear. But sometimes I wonder if I believe in it cause it's right or just because I feel the need of believing in something. Because when I look around, when I really see things, that doesn't sound so true.
It would be nice, I guess. And I'd love to make it. But do other people really want to? And are other people able to do it? Am I able to do it?

I seriously doubt that.

I'm seriously doubting humans in general.

I can't help feeling in love with humanity in general, but it's quite a sick love, actually.

Sometimes it turns into hatred.

Sometimes it's just an almost twisted curiosity.

The curiosity that you can have for a little, weird insect.

I'm sure some people find insect fascinating (I don't really do that, but I'm not even afraid, nor disgusted. Totally indifferent). But what if one day you wake up and find out you are one those insects?
I bet most people won't like to wake up as a spider, even if they don't shout like crazy when they see one.


So, having this love/hate relationship with humanity, and being a human myself, how could I love me?




I think that the only reason why I don't kill me is the doubt that one day I'll may really do something good for someone.








Still, sometimes it seems so hard to do it. And some other times I wonder if it will be worth it.
It's just that people seem all so... close inside each other. And all external relations seem to me so fake.
I'm afraid. I feel like I don't wanna play anymore. I don't like this game. And it's not because I'm a loser, cause I think that a game that at the end always ends up killing you can't really be won.
But anyway the point is that everyday I get a bit more confident with the idea that Leibniz was right when talking of people as monads, indivisible, closed, prisoned entities who can't even decide whether to live or not. And I'm not sure there's a way of escaping that condition anymore.






Changing topic, I feel a bit depressed right now. I did respect my diet, but I feel as if that wasn't enough.
Yesterday I did pretty a good job.
After school I went to the gym and then straight to the theatre course, which lasted 4 hours (getting ready for the play) and when I came home I said I was to tired and that I had eaten out and went straight to bed.
So all I ate was 3 crackers= 90 cal
And I burnt 700 cal of cardio, plus other exercises ( I dunno how much I have burnt with them), and then of course the 2 Km walking and the 4 hours of theatre. So I should have burnt at least 900 cal.
I'll check my weight on Saturday morning, before leaving for Spain (school trip, yay). Hope I'll menage not to binge during this Spanish week. A kind of friend told me she wanted to lose weight, so I hope we'll menage to support each other.


Today I respected my diet, but it was 500 cal and I feel a pig.
Plus I went with this other girl (A.) to do some shopping before leaving (btw she weights about 118 pounds and she's 10 cm taller than me...just to give you an idea of how does it feel to walk and go shopping with her). And the fucking shop assistant gave me such a disgusted face when I said I liked a bra, and commented that it wouldn't have looked good on me cause I was too big (instead on A everything looks good).

I was seriously about to have a panic attack right there in the shop.


I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE THIS NASTY BODY!!!

IT'S DISGUSTING!

IT'S AWFUL!

IT'S EMBARRASSING!

IT'S SO NAUSEOUS!





I somehow managed to breathe and when I got back home I went straight to the toilet, vomited as hell and cut all over my arms. Lovely, I'd say.
When I start I always try to tell to my self "just a little bit...just a little cut". But the first is enough to make me lose the control and so I vomit until I only feel acid in my mouth and my arms are completely covered of cuts. My tummy is full as well and I did some on my shoulders as well. Hope they will disappear in a week cause even if during my trip I can wear proper clothes, but next Sat I will have to go to my cousin's baptism and my dress doesn't cover my fucking shoulders.
If I could control my self that wouldn't happen...I'd smack me so badly right now!!!

I dunno if I can make it alone. I'm afraid I really need a bit of support. I wish I was strong enough not to rely on anyone. But I am not, so I need other people. And this hurts. This hurts me every time. More than any shop assistants, more than any not fitting dress, more than any cuts.



Hope that if someone will ever read this, they're feeling better than me and they are better person than me. Not sure it's possible to find a worse one, actually.