Fixing

Trying hard to speak
And fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction
So part of the plan


When something is broken
And you try to fix it
Trying to repair it
Any way you can


I dive in at the deep end
You become my best friend
I wanna love you but I don't know if I can


I know something is broken
and I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it anyway I can

I can quite relate to this Coldplay's song.

I can't even remember the feeling of having something fixed or new. Feel like everything in my life has always been broken.

Ended up binging on chocolate and vomiting, even because it was my uncle's birthday and Italians love having big lunches with a lot of fattening food. Tried to stuck on the fish, but I still feel sort of a failure for leaving my diet. So I spent something like 3 days eating and vomiting (not even everything, cause people have been going around home a lot and it has been hard to find the privacy to vomit properly).

Oh and on Friday I've binged cause I got incredibly high.

Had to go to the psychologist, and well I hate going there, but my parents think that as long as I go there I can't kill my self/starve my self/hurt my self etc, and I think it's for the best if they keep believing that I'm a happy nearly 18 years old.

Still can't find the strength to study, which is a problem, because I'll have to do my final exam in 2 months and I should really make a plan for university.

I feel so...no, it's not tired. More like numb, I'd say.

Tomorrow I'm gonna weight my self. I'm fucking scared of that scale. I know I'll be depressed all the day after that, but maybe this will help me keeping to my diet table (300 Cal tomorrow, I started it again).

So well today has gone pretty good:

Breakfast: 2 biscuits (25 cal each) + Sugar free coffee (I don't know how many calories does coffee have when taken without sugar)= a bit more than 50 cal

Snack:packet of crackers=200 cal

Lunch: //

Snack://

Dinner (at 6 pm, so that it didn't stuck in my stomach)= grilled chicken (100 Cal)+60 g of lettuce(<17 Cal)= <117 Cal

Tot: about 370 Cal

It's not great, but not even bad, considering that I had to keep at 400 Cal.

I also went to the gym and burned just running and stuff like that 700 Cal plus all those exercises that I don't know how much made me burn.

Oh and I drank 2.5 litres of water.

I wish so much that this was enough...