boom

Some days I just wish I had a gun.

I like thinking that it would be so much easier to end it all.

A big breath

BOOM!

The End.

All this hell will stop.

There will be nothing but peace...

I need a fucking gun. 

Now.

               
                
He moves as if his limbs could follow an imperceptible melody other ears could not perceive.
Please love me.



He is a poem. His skin made of black ink that runs on thin paper, trying to catch up with the feelings. 
Please let go of him. Please don't break him. 

How can someone be so ethereal, so delicate, so spotless?

A porcelain doll, whose grey-blue eyes have the tragedy and sorrow of who has stared, helpless, to all the pain of the world.
Who am I to contaminate with my dirty touch such a stunning miracle? 






I have felt the cold, pouring, rain harpooning my bones with one thousand needles of steel.
Staring there, in front of a past that still stands there and reminds you how little you are.
Happens when you live in Rome.



Black threatening clouds shout their anger in thunders e intimidating lights.
The rain gets harder, stronger, thicker.
What are we compared to the struggle of history?





Our memories will fade away, losing themselves in the night of time.
Our pain and sorrow, our joy and fears, our love so defenceless
Will be washed away, scraped from the walls of life.





What will remain of us?

Of the eternal perception of your hands on mine,
Of the invisible tears I've poured to heal my soul?




Are we lost, or there's no really a path we can follow?
No, don't go.
Please.
Don't go away.





The sun is pale and feeble
then how's that there so much light around you?
 Don't run this fast. 
I can't make it.
I'll be lost.
I can't make it.




Stop.
Here.
With me.




Give me just one more scent of your fragility.
Don't leave me, please.
Let me just hold your hand one more time






But you tremble as I touch you.










                                                       Why can't I be able to love you?




















"But there must be a way!"
We move but we don't, a mass of student surrounds us, but we feel alone.
C. smiles, but there's no joy in his smile. He has been struggling to find answers too. He has been struggling to find a place in the present, but the silence of the past is easier to accept.
He studied History and Political Studies at the Heidelberg University, my history lecturer.
He had the same hope something could have been done that I have.
He had the same dream of cities full of lights, of people walking happy of being where they are.

Then he found out there's nothing you can really do.
They fill your head of theories, of plans, of mathematical equations aimed to calculate the perfect way of doing things. Aimed to give you the illusion the world will be a wonderful place one day.
But there's nothing you can really do.
"You may have some good proposals, you may obtain a little place somewhere, you may think that now you can do something, that you will do something good, but they will never let you do it. You will be surrounded by people who ask you favours, and persecuted by people you can't deny the favours they ask for."

History is comforting.
But there's no space in it for someone like me, C., H, you, us.

We walk for miles in Rome's streets. The magical match of past and present of the city reflected on the dark shadows of a nostalgic history professor and a young student full of silly dreams walking together, talking in silence.




My life constantly slips out of my hands. It simply rolls down some massive hill and when I manage to catch it, it is always too late, and I don't even recognize myself anymore.



I feel old.
I feel I've been here too long, and, somehow, not at all.



Where am I going?
What am I doing?
Where have I been?
What have I done?





Empty and too full. Always. All the time.





Refuse
Resist
Restrict

It's that simple.
Is it?



Craving control. But I don't know what controls me anymore.
Am I the one who controls this? Or it's my disease that controls my mind?

I'm trying to do it healthy. But I'm sick of food.
I just want to be empty.











             
                                                    Weight this morning=54.8 Kg

Balance and Patience

I've decided!
Balance and patience are gonna be my new guide angels.

I've had a very bad time here.
I was just starving myself for days, totally unable to even think about it (just the smell of it would give me nausea) and then filling my self like a turkey on thanks giving and throwing everything i could in the toilet.


Yesterday I really freaked out.
Noticed that my hair was getting weaker, my nails fragile and I couldn't even stand up from my bed. At one point I also fell asleep by the loo (which I had somehow reached after filling all the bin I had next to my bed).

I was staring at my reflection in the mirror...all bloated, watery eyes, red face, dirty hair. I just couldn't do anything but sitting there, "crying" (in my pathetic way since there are no tears coming out), trembling like a dry leaf, although the sun was shining nice and warm, and...well I guess we all know the overall feeling of failure and depression.
I had spent days without going out, not even to uni, because I was too ashamed.

Then I found H online, despite there in Oz it was 4 in the morning.



I told him everything.




Yes, I know, this sounds crazy. Most of us will be like "WHAT THEE FUUUUCK HAVE YOU DONE MARY????"


Yes, I know, but he is different. He really is.
He didn't get angry. I know he was feeling like dying when I told him, but he managed to be reasoning and caring as he always is. 
Talking to him always makes even the worst looking a bit better. A lot better, actually.
And all of a sudden I was so positive I could beat this.
I have to.
I know that going on the ana path won't take me anywhere.
I did it before, and yeah I got damn skinny, but I wasn't even able to see it and I wasn't surely enjoying my body (I'd say more the opposite, actually).





I understood that what I want is to make peace with food.



Eating disorders terribly condition our life.

But now I'm not a kid anymore. Now I gotta work hard, I gotta work to become someone, one day.
Yeah this is an unusually happy post.
I know that life is crap, but since I'll die anyway maybe I should more try to take the good things I can, rather than just feeling crap and wishing to die. I mean, I will die anyway one day...

I actually don't know what I want to do with my life. But I do know that life is already difficult enough to let a freaking eating disorder making it even harder.

I've never had a sane relationship with food.
I hate food, goddamn. 
But if I don't change something I'll always be at the same point. And I know that I don't have a lot of choices:
a) keep starving-vomiting and purging, so that I'll get completely fucked up, gain weight, or lose it but being unable to stop, which will take me to recover, and to never ending troubles and it will break the heart of those I love and who kinda care about me.
b) just go for the starvation, but I'll have to stop at one point (you can't starve yourself forever...or at least without being taken to the hospital, and then having to recover and all the stuff i said before) and when I do, all the fat will come back and it will be even harder to get rid of it.


I already have the fucking metabolism of a 3 months old baby, I can't allow my self to play with it even further.


So, alright, maybe I won't be 54 by the end of this month, and I won't be 52 by the 15 of November.
But is it really worth it to be 52 for a couple of weeks and then going all speed ahead back to 60?

That doesn't sound that appealing, does it?



So, I'll start again, in a kind of healthy way.


I'm not saying I'll make it, but I will really try.


I gotta stay positive, so I can focus on my work and maybe even make some friends.
Feeling hopeless and miserable all the time doesn't help with getting people to like you.
And then well if H managed to start eating again for me, I guess I must at least try to get a healthier life style.







So today I had 400 calories.
It sounds horrible. It still sounds soo bad. But I must remember that I'm supposed to consume max 700 so 400 is still good.
I wanna work out everyday (which is hard to do when you can't even find the strength to stand up from your bed), as I was doing when I started this diet and wasn't trying to stay for days with 20 calories and shit like that.
Indeed, I didn't gain back the weight I lost when I was doing things in a healthier way.

Sooo yeah, I bought loads of veggies and decided to be good this time.

I'm not ready for carbohydrates yet.

I've also decided to go running during the week end (apparently it's not really the best idea to go running in the early morning here, even because I gotta leave from my place at 7.45 every day, so to do one hour of running, have a shower, get ready and stuff I should run like at 5 am. So I'll just go in the late afternoon when I can).




Soooo tomorrow I think I'll sleep in to catch up with some hours of sleep, and I plan to have 2 boiled eggs' whites for lunch and a nice salad for dinner. I might have an orange in the afternoon, I dunno. Depends on how my stomach feels ( I did have a hard time trying not to throw the yogurt up today!).
This would make a tot of less than 200 calories.

I made also a work outs program, but I'm a very lazy illiterate so I'll translate them and post them another time =P





Hope you girls are doing great!!!








 WE WILL MAKE IT!!!!

Everything is just so much, just too much

Ana moves gently and silently behind my back. 
She's like a shadow, like an angel sometimes, like a demon most of the times.
I can feel her elegance and impalpable harmony without even seeing her.

The taste of food disgusts me.
The smell of food has become the stink of food.






                                                                  I know I'm slipping, I can feel it.




I feel dizzy and I beg not to faint in front of the lecturer while, during the break, we talk about the Treaty of Versailles. His English with a German accent has something sweet, something that makes my brain kindly swing like a lullaby, something that makes my body lose all its strength.
"Is everything alright?" someone asks.

I turn around and I see the ex-anorexic girl's legs...so tiny and perfect.
"Yeah, sure. I'm a just a little bit tired".






Third binging-purging day.
This needs to be stopped.
I can't go on like this.
I'm tired of being a pig.




I can't even say I'm angry at my self. 
I'm just so deeply disappointed that I don't yell at my reflection anymore.
I just wonder what's my point here.
I can't even lose 4 bloody kg properly.
4 kg, goddamn. It's nothing!
I just wanted to be 52 by the time the boy gets here.
That was sooo easy.
That would have been sooo easy if I were a stronger person. But I'm not. I'm the weakest sack of shit ever.





                                                         I just want to cry so bad.






                                                        I don't wanna go out.
                                                                            I'm so ashamed.





I managed to binge on the stupidest shit ever. 
Like I made myself some rice. It was supposed to be a fasting day and I made it up to 9 pm. Then I was starving, but I said to my self: "Alright, let's get just a little bit of rice, as long as I study until 1 or 2 am so that at least part of this energy will be used".
A little bit my ass.



I can't control this anymore.
it was going so good, but I can't let anyone understand what I am doing, which is extra hard considering that this girl here has had (and probably still has) eating disorders and so she'd have just had to look in my eyes while saying "I'm not hungry" to figure out what is really going on.




BUT GODDAMN, I'M BLOODY OBESE!!
What's the problem if I lose some weight??!!
I must lose something like 15 Kg....And I'm not even able to lose 4...



It started with little things. Like having a piece of pizza and feeling guilty for that.


But like probably everybody here knows that's enough to make the mia cycle start again.


Just now it's not just one slice of pizza that I purge. It's 1 pizza and 3 croissants and a slice of cake.
It's whole the pot of rice and veggies. 


I've thrown everything in the bin. The little food that I still had here, I mean.
Since I can't control this thing in a rational way I'll have to do something else.
I'll just go around without money, so that I won't even buy my self stuff.

Likely a girl I know who was supposed to come here for the w-end will only come next Saturday, cause she had some problems at home. 
This means that I can starve my self for another week and a half.

I like feeling empty, even if I remember that feeling too well not to be a little afraid about it.

39 kg....goddamn. Wonder how's that I didn't end up in a hospital.
I actually made my self sure I was wearing lots of shirts and tights and large stuff when my parents were around. It's weird...I thought that 45 kg would have been enough, but now that I'm more than 10 kg far from that I'm already considering again the 40 goal.
And it's hard to resist to the temptation to get into the 30s.




What worries me the most is my relationship with my boy.
I really love him, even if I'm not able to show him in the proper way. He's still trying to get out of anorexia, and we still have little arguments about his ideal weight and stuff like that. I still have to give him big talks about gaining a couple of kg, and then getting upset when he actually loses 3 or 4.

Becoming deadly skinny will kill him.
I'm not sure I can do this to him.




On the other hand, I really want to get skinny.
I'm bloody tired of feeling inappropriate all the time.
I'm tired of feeling like crying every time I look at the mirror.
Tired of being SCARED of looking at my reflection.



Why can't I be a normal person, who just loses weight in a normal way?



I starve my self, and then start getting very sensitive about everything. All little details, all little feelings burst into myself as huge explosions. So I eat, to keep focused on what I'm doing. But everything I eat (even when I can actually kinda control my self) is just so much, just too much.



I'm trying not to keep vomiting.
It's hard. It's so bloody hard.
But I have to if I want Ana to stay by my side.

                                                    Cause that's what I want...

And what about the boy? Yeah...what about the boy...


 I don't know.
I don't know how to get out of this.
I don't fucking know.








But by the time being, I better get some bones show.
Everything will be alright then...

Won't it?

Existences' Vacuity and Claustrophobia

Trying to get back on the path of control.

Weighted my self on Tuesday, and found out that somehow I was 55.5 Kg


That was too good to be true.

Had to study the same night but had no strength to do it, since I had had just 50 calories in the previous 3 days. This is not the way it's supposed to work. If I keep being such an idiot I'll start putting on weight even with roasted chicken and tomatoes. 
I don't want to weight 39 Kg in two months and then be back to 63 the following one.
No way.

A part of me is also still scared of losing weight. Afraid of what is happening.
Constantly counting calories. Not going to a party, when you find out there's gonna be heaps of free food there. Keep lying to people who come home and wonder how's that in my fridge there's nothing but some eggs and alcohol. Keep lying and telling stories about huge breakfast, about having lunch with a friend and spending the whole time wondering around Rome instead. Talking about the wonderful food eaten the previous night and telling everyone how much you love food.

It's kinda sad that nobody has any doubt about my stories. After one month you should wonder how's that you actually have never seen me eating not even once. Being fat has some little advantages when wanting to hide an ED. 

Asked a girl in my course how much she weighted. She is so cute and tiny. Found out she is 43 and that she is trying to get out of ednos. She originally weighted 47, then ended up to weight 38, then the purging hell started and how she is craving for some balance. 

I don't know if you've ever noticed, but people with eatin disorders look different. You can almost perceive them. You both share the same secret, and you can tell that from their face, from their eyes, from their expressions, from their bodies. Cause a skinny girl doesn' look like a girl who got skinny going through this hell.

It's kind of creepy: have looked at this girl's pics on facebook. There are just a couple of that 38 time. I don't have any pictures of my 39 time cause I was too fat and ashamed. Yeah, too fat. And you know, I can't really remember being that thin.

This fucking creeps me out.



Sometime I wonder if I'm really gettin anywhere.
I'm here, studying "Politics, Philosophy and Economics", where I am the most average person ever, I have probably some serious kind of dyslexia, since I can never express my self, and despite what people say, I'm quite sure that I am pretty dumb too.

Life lately has been quite chaotic. So much stuff to do all the time.
Leaving alone it's not that hard, but it's different. Gotta learn to use your time in a different way. There are so many things I knew I would have done one day, but never considered about the time they will have required. Even silly things, you know. Like keeping the house clean, do the laundry, keeping everything tidy, organizing your day. The thing that I'm basically all the day at uni doesn't help, since I am supposed to do all this stuff when I come back at night after 9 or 12 ours of lectures and I really just want to sleep for the next 40 years.

And I think about my mum.
My mum's day is pretty much the following:
she wakes up. she cleans the kitchen and starts cooking. wakes me and my brother up. gets ready to go to work (sometimes she takes the dog out, which is pretty much her hobby and her favourite thing to do, since it's relatively new). She goes to work, a work she doesn't particularly like (she got so close to her dream but for some reasons never reached it) and started to seriously hate, surrounded by people who mock her and abuse her, without even getting payed most of the time, because "you know, there's crisis". So she comes back home, to her kids (how she calls us, despite I'm 18 and my brother 15), who not even try to show some enthusiasm anymore (what do you expect? we've hardly seen you 3 hours a day for whole our life!I seriously don't know what to talk about when I'm with her). Takes the dog out. Plays to some silly game on the internet. Makes dinner for my father. Eats with my father while talking about work and goes to bed.
My father's day is just work, basically. And some sleeping and complaining and yelling at my brother as his new hobby.




Is this what I will become? Seriously, what's the point in living such a life?
I'd rather be dead. At least I won't be occupying space and consuming oxygen and making rubbish etc.
This is sad. And the saddest thing is that my parents are not certainly the only adults who have such a "life".

Now the question is: is there really any way to avoid that?


Seriously, how can I let my self live when I know this is how my life will be in 30 years?

Is there anything I can do?

Second post in one day...but I need to talk to someone.

It's about H.

I know I'm losing him.

I can feel it.

I know I tend to disappear at the times.

It's just that this love thing still scares me a bit.

I hate being so dependent. I hate being in love.

Recently he's been weird. Sometimes he doesn't come online for days, and when he does, he doesn't contact me, nor answers to my messages.

I...I knew this would have happened.

This is how things work, isn't it?

People spend some time together, but nothing is forever.


I...I need this person though.
I seriously need it.
I don't give a shit about anything else.
I regret every day coming back to Italy instead of going to an Australian uni.

I knew this would have happened. Nobody will ever love me. I'm just too wrong for that.

But, my question is...
is there anything I can do?
Is there anything I can do not to let him go away?
If he loved me once, is there anything I can do to make that magic happen again?

I've always known he'll have found out soon or later that I'm nothing but a pathetic cluster of crap, and I've always thought that it would be for the best. That it was so selfish of me not leaving him, since the world is so full of gorgeous girl who could make him so much happier than I could ever do.

But this...oh gosh it burns so much.
It hurts so much.
I feel like I'm gonna die.
I can't do anything.

I...I'm pathetic...I don't deserve him....I should just delete him from everything and wait for his life to get the right turn...a relationship Italy-Australia...that's madness...and I'm not even worth it....

but i don't want to lose him.

I need him, for god's shake, I NEED HIM.


Oh, what should I do?

Losing control...

I fucked it up.


I DAMN FUCKED IT ALL UP!!!!!!

I just want to throw it all up. All of it. I wish I could just throw in the toilet all these 12 kg of excess (even if recently I found my self moving a bit forward the final goal, which is now swinging between 43 kg and 40 kg).


Last week hasn't been actually too bad. 
I've tried to eat more, always keeping it under 700, of course, but instead of getting just 20 calories or 100 in one day, I have never gone under 300, or maybe 400. This was actually my choice, since eating something like 1600 calories in WHOLE the week was a bit to much of an excess, when I thought about it. Mainly for my fucked up metabolism. The last thing I want is it to get even slower. So I was quite happy when Wednesday night I weighted my self (yeah, it was night, I had just eaten A LOT of soup and I was wearing jeans, sneakers, shirt and jacket) and found out I was still stuck on 57. (57.00, absolutely precise)
The idea was to cut again with calories until next Thursday morning, praying to see a nice 56 by then.
But then Wednesday night i smoked a lot of weed. Woke up at 3 am, (thank God for that, since I had to finish my microeconomics assignment) and ate all the bloody pizza that i hadn't eaten the night before.
It was awful, cold, but I proceeded to send all that crap to my body.
After that I should have probably fasted for all the day and the following one, but I had a huge lunch made of tomatoes, corn (which is terrible for me, since I cannot digest it) and...freaking oaths.
Theeen (yes cause this hasn't finished yet!!!) I had to took the bus to go back to my little town for a couple of days. Had to run like crazy, since I was, as usually late, and once I got back here, even if I wasn't hungry at all, I couldn't help eating all those greasy potatoes and mushrooms my mum had made for me.
And being pretty late and because I was so tired I didn't even workout!!
AAAAAAND this morning I woke up and was so hungry...and guess what??? 
I BINGED ON CEREALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so fucking upset...you have no idea.
It was going soooo good. why the hell did I have to fuck it all up.

WHY THE HELL DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO RUIN IT ALL?????


I should probably vomit now, but that would just make me feel horrible and guilty and probably hungry again soon.
I can't let this Mia thing go on. It has gone on for far too much time. It's also her fault if I'm so bloody fat now.
I just want to feel Ana inside me again. I want to feel the adrenaline of saying no to food, then running to the toilet and check how my body registered that action.
I want to stare at the mirror, admiring the bones. look at my legs and find them skinny, not huge. I want to feel that smile growing up inside as clothes get to big, as people notice that I'm losing weight and comment that I look gorgeous, as touching my body I find out there's no more fat to pick and to complain about.

But now you'll think it's all fake, that I'm a fake, cause if I really wanted this so bad I would work for it.
How's it possible that it's not enough?
I feel so desperate and confused cause this is really just about me. How can I keep hindering my self so much? Why should I do such a thing to me? It just doesn't make sense...
I had promised to a girl I would have gone back to school to to tell hi to the ex teachers and spent some time with her, but now I'm just to afraid of going out.

I can feel all this fat on my bones...i feel it as if there was some kind of life in it...i feel it also on my fingers, while typing on the keyboard...
It's everywhere.
I just want to get rid of it. I feel my eyes filling with invisible tears of frustration.

I don't know what to do.