Everything is just so much, just too much

Ana moves gently and silently behind my back. 
She's like a shadow, like an angel sometimes, like a demon most of the times.
I can feel her elegance and impalpable harmony without even seeing her.

The taste of food disgusts me.
The smell of food has become the stink of food.






                                                                  I know I'm slipping, I can feel it.




I feel dizzy and I beg not to faint in front of the lecturer while, during the break, we talk about the Treaty of Versailles. His English with a German accent has something sweet, something that makes my brain kindly swing like a lullaby, something that makes my body lose all its strength.
"Is everything alright?" someone asks.

I turn around and I see the ex-anorexic girl's legs...so tiny and perfect.
"Yeah, sure. I'm a just a little bit tired".






Third binging-purging day.
This needs to be stopped.
I can't go on like this.
I'm tired of being a pig.




I can't even say I'm angry at my self. 
I'm just so deeply disappointed that I don't yell at my reflection anymore.
I just wonder what's my point here.
I can't even lose 4 bloody kg properly.
4 kg, goddamn. It's nothing!
I just wanted to be 52 by the time the boy gets here.
That was sooo easy.
That would have been sooo easy if I were a stronger person. But I'm not. I'm the weakest sack of shit ever.





                                                         I just want to cry so bad.






                                                        I don't wanna go out.
                                                                            I'm so ashamed.





I managed to binge on the stupidest shit ever. 
Like I made myself some rice. It was supposed to be a fasting day and I made it up to 9 pm. Then I was starving, but I said to my self: "Alright, let's get just a little bit of rice, as long as I study until 1 or 2 am so that at least part of this energy will be used".
A little bit my ass.



I can't control this anymore.
it was going so good, but I can't let anyone understand what I am doing, which is extra hard considering that this girl here has had (and probably still has) eating disorders and so she'd have just had to look in my eyes while saying "I'm not hungry" to figure out what is really going on.




BUT GODDAMN, I'M BLOODY OBESE!!
What's the problem if I lose some weight??!!
I must lose something like 15 Kg....And I'm not even able to lose 4...



It started with little things. Like having a piece of pizza and feeling guilty for that.


But like probably everybody here knows that's enough to make the mia cycle start again.


Just now it's not just one slice of pizza that I purge. It's 1 pizza and 3 croissants and a slice of cake.
It's whole the pot of rice and veggies. 


I've thrown everything in the bin. The little food that I still had here, I mean.
Since I can't control this thing in a rational way I'll have to do something else.
I'll just go around without money, so that I won't even buy my self stuff.

Likely a girl I know who was supposed to come here for the w-end will only come next Saturday, cause she had some problems at home. 
This means that I can starve my self for another week and a half.

I like feeling empty, even if I remember that feeling too well not to be a little afraid about it.

39 kg....goddamn. Wonder how's that I didn't end up in a hospital.
I actually made my self sure I was wearing lots of shirts and tights and large stuff when my parents were around. It's weird...I thought that 45 kg would have been enough, but now that I'm more than 10 kg far from that I'm already considering again the 40 goal.
And it's hard to resist to the temptation to get into the 30s.




What worries me the most is my relationship with my boy.
I really love him, even if I'm not able to show him in the proper way. He's still trying to get out of anorexia, and we still have little arguments about his ideal weight and stuff like that. I still have to give him big talks about gaining a couple of kg, and then getting upset when he actually loses 3 or 4.

Becoming deadly skinny will kill him.
I'm not sure I can do this to him.




On the other hand, I really want to get skinny.
I'm bloody tired of feeling inappropriate all the time.
I'm tired of feeling like crying every time I look at the mirror.
Tired of being SCARED of looking at my reflection.



Why can't I be a normal person, who just loses weight in a normal way?



I starve my self, and then start getting very sensitive about everything. All little details, all little feelings burst into myself as huge explosions. So I eat, to keep focused on what I'm doing. But everything I eat (even when I can actually kinda control my self) is just so much, just too much.



I'm trying not to keep vomiting.
It's hard. It's so bloody hard.
But I have to if I want Ana to stay by my side.

                                                    Cause that's what I want...

And what about the boy? Yeah...what about the boy...


 I don't know.
I don't know how to get out of this.
I don't fucking know.








But by the time being, I better get some bones show.
Everything will be alright then...

Won't it?