Balance and Patience

I've decided!
Balance and patience are gonna be my new guide angels.

I've had a very bad time here.
I was just starving myself for days, totally unable to even think about it (just the smell of it would give me nausea) and then filling my self like a turkey on thanks giving and throwing everything i could in the toilet.


Yesterday I really freaked out.
Noticed that my hair was getting weaker, my nails fragile and I couldn't even stand up from my bed. At one point I also fell asleep by the loo (which I had somehow reached after filling all the bin I had next to my bed).

I was staring at my reflection in the mirror...all bloated, watery eyes, red face, dirty hair. I just couldn't do anything but sitting there, "crying" (in my pathetic way since there are no tears coming out), trembling like a dry leaf, although the sun was shining nice and warm, and...well I guess we all know the overall feeling of failure and depression.
I had spent days without going out, not even to uni, because I was too ashamed.

Then I found H online, despite there in Oz it was 4 in the morning.



I told him everything.




Yes, I know, this sounds crazy. Most of us will be like "WHAT THEE FUUUUCK HAVE YOU DONE MARY????"


Yes, I know, but he is different. He really is.
He didn't get angry. I know he was feeling like dying when I told him, but he managed to be reasoning and caring as he always is. 
Talking to him always makes even the worst looking a bit better. A lot better, actually.
And all of a sudden I was so positive I could beat this.
I have to.
I know that going on the ana path won't take me anywhere.
I did it before, and yeah I got damn skinny, but I wasn't even able to see it and I wasn't surely enjoying my body (I'd say more the opposite, actually).





I understood that what I want is to make peace with food.



Eating disorders terribly condition our life.

But now I'm not a kid anymore. Now I gotta work hard, I gotta work to become someone, one day.
Yeah this is an unusually happy post.
I know that life is crap, but since I'll die anyway maybe I should more try to take the good things I can, rather than just feeling crap and wishing to die. I mean, I will die anyway one day...

I actually don't know what I want to do with my life. But I do know that life is already difficult enough to let a freaking eating disorder making it even harder.

I've never had a sane relationship with food.
I hate food, goddamn. 
But if I don't change something I'll always be at the same point. And I know that I don't have a lot of choices:
a) keep starving-vomiting and purging, so that I'll get completely fucked up, gain weight, or lose it but being unable to stop, which will take me to recover, and to never ending troubles and it will break the heart of those I love and who kinda care about me.
b) just go for the starvation, but I'll have to stop at one point (you can't starve yourself forever...or at least without being taken to the hospital, and then having to recover and all the stuff i said before) and when I do, all the fat will come back and it will be even harder to get rid of it.


I already have the fucking metabolism of a 3 months old baby, I can't allow my self to play with it even further.


So, alright, maybe I won't be 54 by the end of this month, and I won't be 52 by the 15 of November.
But is it really worth it to be 52 for a couple of weeks and then going all speed ahead back to 60?

That doesn't sound that appealing, does it?



So, I'll start again, in a kind of healthy way.


I'm not saying I'll make it, but I will really try.


I gotta stay positive, so I can focus on my work and maybe even make some friends.
Feeling hopeless and miserable all the time doesn't help with getting people to like you.
And then well if H managed to start eating again for me, I guess I must at least try to get a healthier life style.







So today I had 400 calories.
It sounds horrible. It still sounds soo bad. But I must remember that I'm supposed to consume max 700 so 400 is still good.
I wanna work out everyday (which is hard to do when you can't even find the strength to stand up from your bed), as I was doing when I started this diet and wasn't trying to stay for days with 20 calories and shit like that.
Indeed, I didn't gain back the weight I lost when I was doing things in a healthier way.

Sooo yeah, I bought loads of veggies and decided to be good this time.

I'm not ready for carbohydrates yet.

I've also decided to go running during the week end (apparently it's not really the best idea to go running in the early morning here, even because I gotta leave from my place at 7.45 every day, so to do one hour of running, have a shower, get ready and stuff I should run like at 5 am. So I'll just go in the late afternoon when I can).




Soooo tomorrow I think I'll sleep in to catch up with some hours of sleep, and I plan to have 2 boiled eggs' whites for lunch and a nice salad for dinner. I might have an orange in the afternoon, I dunno. Depends on how my stomach feels ( I did have a hard time trying not to throw the yogurt up today!).
This would make a tot of less than 200 calories.

I made also a work outs program, but I'm a very lazy illiterate so I'll translate them and post them another time =P





Hope you girls are doing great!!!








 WE WILL MAKE IT!!!!