I DAMN FUCKED IT ALL UP!!!!!!
I just want to throw it all up. All of it. I wish I could just throw in the toilet all these 12 kg of excess (even if recently I found my self moving a bit forward the final goal, which is now swinging between 43 kg and 40 kg).
Last week hasn't been actually too bad.
I've tried to eat more, always keeping it under 700, of course, but instead of getting just 20 calories or 100 in one day, I have never gone under 300, or maybe 400. This was actually my choice, since eating something like 1600 calories in WHOLE the week was a bit to much of an excess, when I thought about it. Mainly for my fucked up metabolism. The last thing I want is it to get even slower. So I was quite happy when Wednesday night I weighted my self (yeah, it was night, I had just eaten A LOT of soup and I was wearing jeans, sneakers, shirt and jacket) and found out I was still stuck on 57. (57.00, absolutely precise)
The idea was to cut again with calories until next Thursday morning, praying to see a nice 56 by then.
But then Wednesday night i smoked a lot of weed. Woke up at 3 am, (thank God for that, since I had to finish my microeconomics assignment) and ate all the bloody pizza that i hadn't eaten the night before.
It was awful, cold, but I proceeded to send all that crap to my body.
After that I should have probably fasted for all the day and the following one, but I had a huge lunch made of tomatoes, corn (which is terrible for me, since I cannot digest it) and...freaking oaths.
Theeen (yes cause this hasn't finished yet!!!) I had to took the bus to go back to my little town for a couple of days. Had to run like crazy, since I was, as usually late, and once I got back here, even if I wasn't hungry at all, I couldn't help eating all those greasy potatoes and mushrooms my mum had made for me.
And being pretty late and because I was so tired I didn't even workout!!
AAAAAAND this morning I woke up and was so hungry...and guess what???
I BINGED ON CEREALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so fucking upset...you have no idea.
It was going soooo good. why the hell did I have to fuck it all up.
WHY THE HELL DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO RUIN IT ALL?????
I should probably vomit now, but that would just make me feel horrible and guilty and probably hungry again soon.
I can't let this Mia thing go on. It has gone on for far too much time. It's also her fault if I'm so bloody fat now.
I just want to feel Ana inside me again. I want to feel the adrenaline of saying no to food, then running to the toilet and check how my body registered that action.
I want to stare at the mirror, admiring the bones. look at my legs and find them skinny, not huge. I want to feel that smile growing up inside as clothes get to big, as people notice that I'm losing weight and comment that I look gorgeous, as touching my body I find out there's no more fat to pick and to complain about.
But now you'll think it's all fake, that I'm a fake, cause if I really wanted this so bad I would work for it.
How's it possible that it's not enough?
I feel so desperate and confused cause this is really just about me. How can I keep hindering my self so much? Why should I do such a thing to me? It just doesn't make sense...
I had promised to a girl I would have gone back to school to to tell hi to the ex teachers and spent some time with her, but now I'm just to afraid of going out.
I can feel all this fat on my bones...i feel it as if there was some kind of life in it...i feel it also on my fingers, while typing on the keyboard...
It's everywhere.
I just want to get rid of it. I feel my eyes filling with invisible tears of frustration.
I don't know what to do.
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