Second post in one day...but I need to talk to someone.
It's about H.
I know I'm losing him.
I can feel it.
I know I tend to disappear at the times.
It's just that this love thing still scares me a bit.
I hate being so dependent. I hate being in love.
Recently he's been weird. Sometimes he doesn't come online for days, and when he does, he doesn't contact me, nor answers to my messages.
I...I knew this would have happened.
This is how things work, isn't it?
People spend some time together, but nothing is forever.
I...I need this person though.
I seriously need it.
I don't give a shit about anything else.
I regret every day coming back to Italy instead of going to an Australian uni.
I knew this would have happened. Nobody will ever love me. I'm just too wrong for that.
But, my question is...
is there anything I can do?
Is there anything I can do not to let him go away?
If he loved me once, is there anything I can do to make that magic happen again?
I've always known he'll have found out soon or later that I'm nothing but a pathetic cluster of crap, and I've always thought that it would be for the best. That it was so selfish of me not leaving him, since the world is so full of gorgeous girl who could make him so much happier than I could ever do.
But this...oh gosh it burns so much.
It hurts so much.
I feel like I'm gonna die.
I can't do anything.
I...I'm pathetic...I don't deserve him....I should just delete him from everything and wait for his life to get the right turn...a relationship Italy-Australia...that's madness...and I'm not even worth it....
but i don't want to lose him.
I need him, for god's shake, I NEED HIM.
Oh, what should I do?
Hey, I know the feeling, I really do, but you need to stop telling yourself that you can't make him happy, or that you're unloveable, because it's just not true.
ReplyDeleteIt's really hurtful that he would not answer your messages, have you told him how it makes you feel?
It may not be that he doesn't want to be with you anymore, he may just not realise how you feel or may be busy. Perhaps he has the same fear of love and dependence that you have? I don't know.
Either way, you don't "need" him, even though it may feel like that. You can be happy with or without him, you are your own person.
I hope everything works out ok dear, take care <3
Alice xx
oh sweetheart, it always feels so good to read your comments. I've read this one again and again, but have found time, mind-stregth and privacy to answer only now.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had the self confidence to believe I can make him happy, but I can't help feeling such a nothingness.
I talked a bit to him. Things seem to be back on their path. Most of the times I'm just so unable to get the whole picture out of things. Found out he was feeling quite the same cause since I started uni I've been quite busy all day long. Plus, coming out from a very hard life, which involved also eating disorders, I guess it's more than likely that he's afraid of being in love as much as I am...
Thank you so much for your support, anyway.
You can't imagine how much it means to me <3
Take care too.
We will get there. Someday I know we will.