Existences' Vacuity and Claustrophobia

Trying to get back on the path of control.

Weighted my self on Tuesday, and found out that somehow I was 55.5 Kg


That was too good to be true.

Had to study the same night but had no strength to do it, since I had had just 50 calories in the previous 3 days. This is not the way it's supposed to work. If I keep being such an idiot I'll start putting on weight even with roasted chicken and tomatoes. 
I don't want to weight 39 Kg in two months and then be back to 63 the following one.
No way.

A part of me is also still scared of losing weight. Afraid of what is happening.
Constantly counting calories. Not going to a party, when you find out there's gonna be heaps of free food there. Keep lying to people who come home and wonder how's that in my fridge there's nothing but some eggs and alcohol. Keep lying and telling stories about huge breakfast, about having lunch with a friend and spending the whole time wondering around Rome instead. Talking about the wonderful food eaten the previous night and telling everyone how much you love food.

It's kinda sad that nobody has any doubt about my stories. After one month you should wonder how's that you actually have never seen me eating not even once. Being fat has some little advantages when wanting to hide an ED. 

Asked a girl in my course how much she weighted. She is so cute and tiny. Found out she is 43 and that she is trying to get out of ednos. She originally weighted 47, then ended up to weight 38, then the purging hell started and how she is craving for some balance. 

I don't know if you've ever noticed, but people with eatin disorders look different. You can almost perceive them. You both share the same secret, and you can tell that from their face, from their eyes, from their expressions, from their bodies. Cause a skinny girl doesn' look like a girl who got skinny going through this hell.

It's kind of creepy: have looked at this girl's pics on facebook. There are just a couple of that 38 time. I don't have any pictures of my 39 time cause I was too fat and ashamed. Yeah, too fat. And you know, I can't really remember being that thin.

This fucking creeps me out.



Sometime I wonder if I'm really gettin anywhere.
I'm here, studying "Politics, Philosophy and Economics", where I am the most average person ever, I have probably some serious kind of dyslexia, since I can never express my self, and despite what people say, I'm quite sure that I am pretty dumb too.

Life lately has been quite chaotic. So much stuff to do all the time.
Leaving alone it's not that hard, but it's different. Gotta learn to use your time in a different way. There are so many things I knew I would have done one day, but never considered about the time they will have required. Even silly things, you know. Like keeping the house clean, do the laundry, keeping everything tidy, organizing your day. The thing that I'm basically all the day at uni doesn't help, since I am supposed to do all this stuff when I come back at night after 9 or 12 ours of lectures and I really just want to sleep for the next 40 years.

And I think about my mum.
My mum's day is pretty much the following:
she wakes up. she cleans the kitchen and starts cooking. wakes me and my brother up. gets ready to go to work (sometimes she takes the dog out, which is pretty much her hobby and her favourite thing to do, since it's relatively new). She goes to work, a work she doesn't particularly like (she got so close to her dream but for some reasons never reached it) and started to seriously hate, surrounded by people who mock her and abuse her, without even getting payed most of the time, because "you know, there's crisis". So she comes back home, to her kids (how she calls us, despite I'm 18 and my brother 15), who not even try to show some enthusiasm anymore (what do you expect? we've hardly seen you 3 hours a day for whole our life!I seriously don't know what to talk about when I'm with her). Takes the dog out. Plays to some silly game on the internet. Makes dinner for my father. Eats with my father while talking about work and goes to bed.
My father's day is just work, basically. And some sleeping and complaining and yelling at my brother as his new hobby.




Is this what I will become? Seriously, what's the point in living such a life?
I'd rather be dead. At least I won't be occupying space and consuming oxygen and making rubbish etc.
This is sad. And the saddest thing is that my parents are not certainly the only adults who have such a "life".

Now the question is: is there really any way to avoid that?


Seriously, how can I let my self live when I know this is how my life will be in 30 years?