Inspire me control

Just noticed I made a mess with the blog settings and forgot to edit them. Back in the day my boy was sooo close to find this blog, so I panicked, did everything I could to hide it and forgot to fix it. So well yeah I wasn't gone. Just forgot that I was invisible.


Today I've decided to go for a more optimistic post.
My 18th birthday will be in one week. I wanted to be 52 kg by then. At the time I was 55 so it seemed quite achievable. Now I'm stuck at 58 (some days 57, some others 59) and losing 6 kg to never get them back in only one week seems really impossible.
Despite this I want to try not to put my self down. Getting depressed only makes me lazier and it gets easier for me to lose the control and binge (like this morning).
Felt quite a shit cause after binging (2 damn croissants. I fucking hate my mum. She knows I'm trying to eat less and she keeps putting those warm, great croissants under my nose. And yeah I don't have enough control. Croissants and Strudel are the only things I can't really help my self eating. And she fucking knows that! Sometimes I really think she does this just cause she's envious that I am still young and my body could still look gorgeous- yeah could=if I lost these 15 Kg-) even because right after that my parents told me we would have gone out to eat at the restaurant.
Yeah that was really frustrating. Even cause I've already stayed at home instead of going to my grandma yesterday, and my father was already upset for that. I couldn't pretend to be sick and said I needed to study. They would have made me go there anyway.




But instead of vomiting, feeling a shit and obtain just a sore throat and some liquids loss, I've decided to keep calm and find another way so sort things out.


After all I gotta study pretty hard. Gotta start my exams on the 20th and have to get my thesis done by that time. And revise all the programs (tot of <3000 pages) so this is gonna be quite...intense. For tomorrow I gotta learn (cause I'm a couch potato and haven't done it before) like 400 pages of astronomy and geology and revise around 300 of history. Have quite a long night to face, indeed.
So if I add like a salad or some fish at the 2 croissants (around 500 calories) I should get not over 700 calories total. Which is definitely too much for a whole day, yeah. But after studying all that stuff a bit will be consumed and, more important, after all the sugar free coffee I'm gonna drink I won't definitely be able to eat the day after. Want to go to sleep early and then start doing things a bit more differently.
Studying all the day will drive my self crazy. I need some time for my self, and I need to do something different at the times, or I will probably just burn my brain (not that it works particularly well anyway).


Sooooo my plan should consist in going for a run at early morning (I'm not going to expect to run for 2 km the first day, of course, but, you know "from little things, big things grow) then coming back home and doing some work outs- shower- drink loads of tea and coffee and exercise when I want to get a rest. I will allow my self a lot of fruit, some veggies and a little of chicken or fish or egg's white, to get some proteins.
ABSOLUTELY NOT MILK, BREAD AND ALL THOSE FATTENING THINGS I ALWAYS TAKE.


I would allow my self a bit of chocolate, because it helps keeping focused, but only if I'm gonna go some more work outs and that would be the only thing I eat.

Food doesn't have to be my first thought anymore.
My life has.
My duties have.
My work has.
Gotta also think about uni. Awww...
well maybe I won't get up to 50 kg (which was the weight I wanted to be when going to Australia, hoping to lose those other 5 kg there), but hopefully all this stress and proper exercise will help me getting out of that fucking number!!
Do the same things, get the same old results.
What I'm doing now is surely not helping.
Let's hope that after this change I'll get some results.

(Really hope I can get to Oz weighting max 55 kg)




Stay focused, stay strong.




















































































Every time you eat you give up this:

To get this:

Are you sure you want that biscuit?

You're the one who can make this choice.

You're the one who can make the right choice.

Do you want it?

Then just make it happen

Fighting

Fighting myself
Fighting the time
Fighting the others
Fighting my mind
Fighting my feelings
Fighting my fears
Fighting my body
Fighting my tears
Fighting the knowledge
Fighting the judgements
Fighting the flatters
Fighting the hope
Fighting the letters
Fighting my memories, and the opportunities
Fighting my weaknesses
Fighting my dreams
Fighting the truth
Fighting the lie




No wonder that my soul keeps bleeding, trickling down my arms and hips.

It's not that I'm tired. I'm...empty.



Ate so much. I'm eating like a pig, really. Can't remember of eating this much ever before.
Today I ate a croissant and vomited it. Ate loads of cereals and still vomiting them.


I'm tired of fighting.


I fight my self, because I can't help considering myself as the most disgusting, worthless, unpleasant, fatty, futile, disturbing human being. So I keep fighting my self, desperately trying to be different.
Sometimes, though, I fight this side of me who keeps loathing me and equally desperately groping to gain a bit of self confidence, find some things I'm good at, even if I'm not sure there are any,  and show other people that I can do something good. At least so that I could stop complaining.

 I don't have enough time to do...anything. Not to lose weight, not to become a better person, not to study all the things I want to, not to decide what  to do with my life, not to grow up, not to think, not to concentrate, not to actually feel the time going by.


School if finished. In 18 days I'll have my final exams. Most people are sad when this happens. I'm glad, really. The only good thing I can think about is that I won't see my class mates anymore.
I think I'll miss my teachers though. Not sure they will miss me, so I guess everything goes just as it's supposed to do.

I wonder if I really want to go back and see my boy. Yeah I think I kinda need him. But I'm not used to stay with someone. And now that I'm realizing that in 50 days I'll be in his arms I wonder if that's really the only place where I want to stay.

It could sound silly, but I'm so afraid that I'll be too big to be embraced by him.
I'm terrified that my huge, ugly body will scare the shit out of him.
That once again there will be no space for such a cluster of lard as my self.

Why can't I get thin??
Why can't I improve?

 

Answers to the comments

Katie Elizabeth: Thank you so much for the compliments and the support <3 even though I'm afraid I'm so far from being beautiful (not sure about the loved). Hope you're feeling better. Love you xxxxxxxxxx

Alice May: Hey hun. Happy to read that you like the blog and the writing. Yeah, I know that feeling. I keep spending hours looking for nice memories. Wondering when things started going wrong and how could I have let them happen. I'm not sure that it's actually possible to be always happy. I just wish I could be less sad and find things less difficult. Hope you're doing better.. Love you too xxxxxxxxxxxThank you. soo much.