Fighting

Fighting myself
Fighting the time
Fighting the others
Fighting my mind
Fighting my feelings
Fighting my fears
Fighting my body
Fighting my tears
Fighting the knowledge
Fighting the judgements
Fighting the flatters
Fighting the hope
Fighting the letters
Fighting my memories, and the opportunities
Fighting my weaknesses
Fighting my dreams
Fighting the truth
Fighting the lie




No wonder that my soul keeps bleeding, trickling down my arms and hips.

It's not that I'm tired. I'm...empty.



Ate so much. I'm eating like a pig, really. Can't remember of eating this much ever before.
Today I ate a croissant and vomited it. Ate loads of cereals and still vomiting them.


I'm tired of fighting.


I fight my self, because I can't help considering myself as the most disgusting, worthless, unpleasant, fatty, futile, disturbing human being. So I keep fighting my self, desperately trying to be different.
Sometimes, though, I fight this side of me who keeps loathing me and equally desperately groping to gain a bit of self confidence, find some things I'm good at, even if I'm not sure there are any,  and show other people that I can do something good. At least so that I could stop complaining.

 I don't have enough time to do...anything. Not to lose weight, not to become a better person, not to study all the things I want to, not to decide what  to do with my life, not to grow up, not to think, not to concentrate, not to actually feel the time going by.


School if finished. In 18 days I'll have my final exams. Most people are sad when this happens. I'm glad, really. The only good thing I can think about is that I won't see my class mates anymore.
I think I'll miss my teachers though. Not sure they will miss me, so I guess everything goes just as it's supposed to do.

I wonder if I really want to go back and see my boy. Yeah I think I kinda need him. But I'm not used to stay with someone. And now that I'm realizing that in 50 days I'll be in his arms I wonder if that's really the only place where I want to stay.

It could sound silly, but I'm so afraid that I'll be too big to be embraced by him.
I'm terrified that my huge, ugly body will scare the shit out of him.
That once again there will be no space for such a cluster of lard as my self.

Why can't I get thin??
Why can't I improve?

 

Answers to the comments

Katie Elizabeth: Thank you so much for the compliments and the support <3 even though I'm afraid I'm so far from being beautiful (not sure about the loved). Hope you're feeling better. Love you xxxxxxxxxx

Alice May: Hey hun. Happy to read that you like the blog and the writing. Yeah, I know that feeling. I keep spending hours looking for nice memories. Wondering when things started going wrong and how could I have let them happen. I'm not sure that it's actually possible to be always happy. I just wish I could be less sad and find things less difficult. Hope you're doing better.. Love you too xxxxxxxxxxxThank you. soo much.