Delicate

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

I miss running in the high grass. I miss climbing trees. The heart which seemed tempting to escape from my chest. The high grass and weeds scratching the soft skin. As a child trees were the only places I felt to belong to. I used to reach the top, harmonically moving between branches and leaves. When you climb a tree (specially if the branches are pretty tiny as the ones I used to climb on) you gotta be careful with every single move you make. I've never been afraid of heights. And when I climbed I didn't even give me the time to see where I had to go. What were the right steps. I could feel it. I loved trees and still do it now, even if it has gotten hard to find a proper tree. Being a huge ball of lards had a lot of cons, indeed.  One of the things I liked the most was that nobody could come and take me off that. I could spend hours on that. I used to bite my hand when the hunger came. I knew that getting off, going home, would have hurt me again.

Trees have never let me fall.

People constantly leave me, and I constantly found a deeper whole to bury my self into. 

Went out to eat with my parents today. Glad I stayed under 500 cals in the past 2 days. Gonna fast for 2 days. It's not just a matter of weight itself. I'm just finding myself very tired of eating.

The whole thing is getting quite boring.



Just got back home from a party. A tragedy, really. Not really for the food. I know I managed to stay without getting any. It's just...people. I'm tired of seeing people. Tired of feeling their eyes on my fat. Tired of hearing their judgements in my head. Tired of feeling sick walking past a mirror, realising how disgustingly I look next to the other girls.

And I'm tired of trying. Tired to get things better.

Had my last latin speech yesterday. I didn't want to do it. I don't want to do anything but dieing lately. I go trough moments of deep depression when I feel really about to make it and moments or pure ecstasy, well I feel responsible for the people I met, and consider that I can't simply kill my self like this and expect that nothing as all has ever happened.

Brotherhood is really the only thing I think it's worth living for.

I feel so afraid. I can hardly keep my eyes opened. Nobody seems to notice my watery eyes though. I still don't cry, but I constantly try to force me to vomit, during my classes. I just feel too sick, sitting there. Everything sounds so vain to me. So predictable. So futile. So useless. And so easy to get forgotten. And I find myself feeling like forgetting to live. The world around me, so swarming of spring life, speaks a language I don't know anymore.

I think a part of me still wants to be saved.

But another one, I still don't know how much predominant, is tired of begging for help.

"Mary...Mary...please look at me"

My latin and greek teacher looks like the younger and better looking version of Robert de Niro. His hair is darker though and his eyes have a great shade of light brown, which at the sun's light can get green or amber. His smile is one of the sweetest thing ever, and the thing that he's worried for me makes his attempt to smile even sweeter.

I had run outside the school. Couldn't breathe there. Lighted a cigarette just to calm down and to feel like busy doing something. He must have seen me. Cause at one point I looked around and he was there, looking for me.

"I want that smile of your back". I can't see lies in his eyes. But maybe it's just cause I don't want to see them.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so bad against his jumper. Holding him tight, begging him not to let me go. But I kept my fists closed, bit my lips and didn't say a word. Went silently back to my class.

I sit alone. Nobody wants to sit next to me. I am half out of the window, because breathing is getting such a hard work, and I look at the roofs of the building, trying to imagine random people jumping from there.

I'm not sure this is what I want, though.

Changed completely the blog's look, yeah.

It's not that I didn't like the previous one, but it was...heavy.

I want to turn my pain, my anguish in something better, in something pure.

I'm tired of being dragged into despair.

I want it to be something that gives me strength.

And Harmony.

I'm tired of feeling dirty and inappropriate.

Of being intrusive.

I wanna be like a soft breeze moving little pale flowers.

I want to be like a kiss on the forehead.

Like a caress.

Like a music.

More than beautiful, which sounds still too profane as concept,

more than perfect (I don't believe in universal concepts).





I want to be

Delicate

Thank you "hiding*ED" and "WaitingForRepairs" for being my new followers =) Really, really thanks.

Answers to the comments

Alice May: Ehy darling. Thank you for being always here. I dunno what I'd do without your care and your support, really. For the self-harm:yeah I guess I will have to try to stay without cutting now that summer is coming (and especially when I'll be with my boy). Hope I'll have you strength!And hope I'll manage to respect the diet. Today I didn't, but I'm going trough 3 days of fasting, hoping that it would be enough to fix it. then the day after I'm gonna take just a milkshake made of 1 apple and 1 banana and then start again with the 3th day of abc. hope it will work! Good luck to you too dear. Love you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx