I don't want to occupe all this space anymore

This is how I feel. And, yeah, probably am. Like this, if not worse.

How creepy, isn't it?

Stuck at the same weight.

Same weight, same failure.

I'm so tired of failing.

I wish I could do something right, for once.

Eat like a pig, don't eat, eat a bit. It doesn't matter. Nothing changes.

Seriously, what the hell I'm still doing here?

I should have jumped so many times.

Everyday I think about suicide. Everyday starts with the wish I had jumped the day before. And the promise of jumping today is the only thing that makes me go through hours.

That and food, of course.

My mum is a freaking paranoid bitch. Found out I had thrown food away. And now she's making me eat all the possible crap cause she's scared that I'll end up weighting 89 lbs again. What the hell. I mean, I'm fucking obese. I'm not exactly going to die of hunger if I restrict a bit. If I lose 12 Kg. I'm just going to be fine. And now it's a bit too early to get so worried about it.

I'm tired of people shouting at me and telling me how miserable I am.

I should get some work done for my final exams. Got a thesis to write, all my programs to repeat/study, but i can't do anything.

I feel always so tired.

I'd just sleep all day.

I just want to be tiny. I just want to look fragile. I just want to be thin.

every time i look at that mirror I just want to cry so bad. But I'm afraid of starting, cause I don't know if I'll ever stop.

He's not answering my call, but maybe that's for the best. I think that if he answers this thin wall will break.

I feel the fat coming out of my jeans. This makes me sick.

I think I'll have a panic attack soon.

I always have to get filled of crap. During the last days I've been about to have one almost constantly. Also now. I feel sick. Waiting for my brother to take the dog out, so that I can vomit.

I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired.

Feeling this fat everywhere is making me crazy.

I wish so much I could rip it away.

I feel so desperate.

I want to shout.

I want to break everything.

I want to cut me into pieces.

I'm so freaking fat

DISGUSTING DISGUSTINGDISGUSTINGDISGUSTINGDISGUSTINGDISGUSTINGFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATAWFULAWFULAWFULAWFUL

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

I can't breath. The fat is everywhere. I feel it on my arms, on my shoulders, on my neck. It suffocates me. I want to cry. But I can't. I want to vomit everything. Vomit for 7 days and 7 nights constantly. Vomit out all this crap until I'm 100 lbs, light and free and beautiful. And...right.

I want to be right.

I want to be good.

i don't want to go hiding. I don't want to be left alone. I don't want to be the fattest girl I know anymore. I don't want people to be disgusted by me. No no no

Please

Please...

TOMORROW I'M STARTING THE ABC DIET

The 24th of May is fading away, slowing slipping with the sun behind the cliffs. In 56 days I'll see H. I can't allow myself to be this fat. No no no no no. Tomorrow 500 calories. I can make it. I know I can (no, I actually don't but I'm trying to stay positive and cheat my mind). I'm going to work out tonight before going to bed and tomorrow before going to school, before and after every time I eat and before going to bed. Stay strong, lovely girls <3



Answers to the comments

Katie: Hey darling. Hope things are going better there. Yay I'd like to get you know you better as well, cause I agree that we have a lot in common. I wish we hadn't, of course. I wish that all we girls could be happy with what we have, and don't have to consume us in this sick path to despair and little numbers. But I guess that knowing that we are not alone makes this a little bit more bearable. And you are not alone. Take care. You deserve it. I'm doing my best to keep my head up. Have the feeling (and the hope) that this will be easier when I don't have all this fat pushing my head down. Thank you for the support, love. Hope that my love and my finger crossed are enough to show you my care. I'm apparently not very good at making people happy.

Alice May:  Hi Ally-girl. Thank you for caring so much about me =) My arm is getting better. Slowly, but it's getting better. My ear piercing got infected again so I had a good excuse to have a lot of bends and antiseptic around (I don't usually clean my cuts, but I was more afraid for this one). It's not really...wide. I used a bloody razor's blade, after all. But I got several deep cuts very close to each other and a couple of them on the other side, so that they make a kind of X. Not really a great idea. Good thing the weather has been really a shit in these days, so I can use shirts with long sleeves without looking weird ;)

Yeah, I know I shouldn't hurt myself. That it seems to help just for a second, and then it's more troubles than anything. It's just that sometimes I can't help my self. I feel my arms itching everyday. Everyday it's a war to resist. Even worse than hunger, sometimes. Sometimes I don't do it for quite a time (longest time: 3 months). But when I don't cut I hurt my self anyway: scratching, biting lips (constantly do it) oh and the most absurd thing ever: sticking the eyebrows' tweezers in my skin (specially fingers, but also tights and tummy). I know I gotta stop. Now I'm so paranoid that someone finds out about it. But sometimes it just seems the only thing to do. How did you manage to stop?

BeautifulThinner16: Oh Jordy, your comment almost made me cry (but in a nice way =) ). Didn't quite expect that. Saw it by chance when I opened the page of the last post to read through the comments again to answer them properly. What can I say? I'm so speechless. Thank you for the adorable words. You have no idea of how much they mean to me. I just wish I could see this amazing side of myself too, but I guess that's something that none of us, at the moment can see. I was so worried when I started writing this blog. Glad it gave me the chance to meet people who can understand me. Was extremely sceptical that this would have ever happened. Much love and remember to never put yourself down. Love you.

(Hope you don't mind if I call you Jordy. Reminds me of a song I really like. It kinda suits you actually: sad and beautiful at the same time. Remember to keep that gorgeous smile on your face <3 )