discouraged

I don't know what to do.
I didn't fast, at the end, cause I've realised that if I had stayed at water -coffee and tea for 10 days I'd have gained weight even eating only fruits after.
I have kept under 500 calories until yesterday, but it hasn't worked. Still the same fucking weight.
This fucking spring is killing me. It's so hot here. I feel so lazy. So weak. Every time I stand up it's such a hard work to keep my balance.
I'm so disgusted of my body. I look at it and feel so hopeless. I don't even have the strength to go to the toilet and vomit.
I've covered my tummy of cuts, again.
It's a good spot cause nobody sees them and they hurt when my trousers get tight on them. This reminds me that I gotta get skinny to feel less pain.

I hate food. But I'm taking tablets because of the allergy to these pollens and these tablets make me outrageously hungry and tired. I keep eating and sleeping, sleeping and eating. That's all I do.
I think about my life and I don't know where it's going. But I'm tired of rolling like a stone.
I wish I could escape but it seems that everything I do is gonna carry loads of troubles.


I think about jumping in the dark. Every new day it seems more like the only good thing to do.
But for some reasons I'm still here. Thrown on the world's scene.
I should study hard. In one month I'll have to do my final exam and there are too many things I don't know at all and I'm not sure at all about the little I know.
I should think about my future, making plans, but I'm so afraid of failing. I know that failing sometimes is good: making mistakes is apparently the best way to figure out what the right thing to do is.
But it also seems that I don't work like this. Because I keep failing.
I can't do anything.
I haven't learnt anything.
I have no point, no experience, nothing. Just this cluster of fat.
I wish the scale could tell me that, for once, I've been a good girl. At least it's not hard to be a good girl at its eyes. I should just stop eating like a pig.
I see no point in life. Especially in mine.

I want to change. I really, really do.
But I can't.
I don't know what's so wrong about me. But there is something wrong, indeed.
Have binged yesterday and today and feeling really depressed right now.
I want to delete whole my life.
It's has been just a waste. Of time, of care, of sacrifice, of work.
A huge waste.
Just like my body.
But maybe I don't want to be cured.






















Please, please, please, please... Save me from myself.