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Hey girls, thank you for supporting. Thank you so much.

It's kinda weird of me to say this. There's a twisted predicament in feeling the need of being helped but refusing it those few times it happens that someone wants to give you a hand. But maybe the thing that we are all so physically far helps.
Physicality scares the living shit out of me.
I've always vomited for days after dating a guy. Maybe this is why my boyfriend is Australian haha
Actually I'm quite concerned that, although we'll have been...well together for 9 months when I'll get back there, I will panic and hardly be able to hug him.









I crave love. I crave attention. But when I got it I always need to escape from that. A bit like food. I hate it, but I go crazy for it. I think that working in a restaurant or something like that would make my day. Sometimes I feel like getting full even only preparing something, but then someone's gotta eat it, haven't they? I just wish that this "someone" wasn't me.








Had quite a weird day. Felt very depressed as soon as it started. Basically because I had eaten like crazy the night before and went straight to bed after 'cause I didn't want to vomit.
I'm freaking tired of vomiting. I keep doing it, but I don't force myself to, so I don't know why I do that. It usually happens just when I go out with a boy. I hate that. I feel so tired, my head is like burning, my stomach hurts and my throat sores. I dunno where's the fucking problem with me, really.
So this morning I skipped breakfast not to feel even sicker. Went to school and felt like shit doing the last Greek test ever. Just gotta do the exam now. I wish I did it so much better. But I failed. I know I did.
Remember the guy I've got a thing for? Not my boy, the other. He's like everything I'll never be. He's so confident. And clever. He arrived like half an hour later and still managed to perfectly finish it. How the hell does he do? It's so frustrating, really. Don't need to wonder why he hardly looks at me. I'm so hopeless. So vain. So futile. He'll go far. He's one of those person that are going to become someone. Someone important. One day he'll hardly remember me as the lonely-troubled-always sick-ugly-fat girl.
There's something tragically ironic in the thing that he saved my life. Since then, since he stopped, I've felt like I couldn't kill myself for real. But in 5 years so many things have changed. Maybe he doesn't even remember it. But I've promised myself that I'll tell him about it. I need to know why he stopped me.
I'm so disgusting. He says I'm the most ugly girl ever. That he can't stand me. I'm just an inappropriate presence.

So why the hell did he stop me?
When nobody did anything.
All those people who said they cared about me...they didn't move a finger.
He basically jumped on me and stopped me. He did what I needed, desperately needed someone to do.

Back to the "I need help: Back off".








I've spent all the day thinking about jumping from the roof of an abandoned building I found while walking around, back in the day.
Thought about telling him everything. And just do it.
But I couldn't talk. I could hardly breathe.
I'm tired of being a sad attraction with my crazy panic attacks, so I kept focused and walked back home.
During the last period I went outside to have a cigarette. The sixth in four hours. The new cuts on my hips were like burning. Had the great idea of cutting on my neck as well. Just a couple of little cuts on the side. My history of art teacher  asked me to go with him to the school's gate.

"What's the problem Maria?"
"None"
"Something must have happened. I've got kids. And I'm not blind. What's the problem? Is it health?"
"No, sir"
"Is it family? How are things in your family going?"
"They're going, sir" (I could hear my mum yelling at me to eat from my memory)
"So it must be the heart"
I smiled. I wish it was so simple. "No, sir, for real"
"I don't want to see you like this"
He went back home. He couldn't hear me replying "Don't worry, sir. You won't see me for much longer."

But I came back home. And I ate. Not much. A bit of pasta with tomato sauce (like 7 macaroni) and a bit of mozzarella (about 5 bites). And vomited. Then my stomach was killing me. So I had some cereals and milk. And vomited. A lot. And had an argument with my brother. And vomited even more. And I was out of control, and stuck the blade deep into my arm. This was almost right before having to go to do some stuff with my mum. And for the first time in my life I couldn't control the blood coming out. It just wouldn't stop. I stayed for ages with the arm under the freezing water. I couldn't even feel the cold. I was...a bit afraid, yeah. But not for my life. I didn't want my parents to find out, didn't want to go to the hospital, didn't want everybody to look at me and know that I am the stupid sad girl who attempted suicide. I used tons of toilet paper, took some tights and tied them very tight around my arm. Then I put a jumper on and the jacket on that. And prayed for nobody to notice. I apparently survived, but I haven't checked my arm yet.





"What do you have here??"
My mum's voice in concern referring to my little cuts on the neck.
"Where?" I can be a good actress when I want. And my skin is very delicate, so it was still reddish and my mum thought I just got them. So it was easy to say that it must have been the jacket's zip. Or maybe she just wanted to believe it.



Gotta get ready for the last speech on Greek literature. I know it's gonna be a shit, though. It's not that I want to put myself down, I just know that I am not good.
Haven't checked my weight. I don't see the point in doing it. With all this vomiting and binging, I can't have lost much. I freaking hate being bulimic.



Hope that you're all doing better than me xxxx

Answers to comments:


Alice May: Yeah. Freaking scales. But at least they are not hypocrit. They tell you the truth. And if you wanna get better, you just gotta work harder. Easy. Well it should be.
Thank you for supporting so much. It's really kind of you :) It's just that I feel like I don't have the strenght to change things. And everytime I somehow got to change something, I made a mess.
Hope you're doing better with the diet and that you are feeling more focused on your study as well. loads of kisses xxxxxxxxx





Katie Elizabeth: I'm looking for the strenght that your mum had. I really admire these people who make big changes in their life, even when they haven't been easy. This is one of the reasons why I hate me: I'm so lucky, but not good enough to deserve it.
Thank you for following and for the caring. Really, really thanks. Love xxxxxxxx