I don't know what to do.
130 lbs.
When did this happen? How could I leave this happen?
I don't know what to do, really.
I just want to cry so bad.
I can't help gaining weight. It just doesn't stop.
I feel so devastated.
I'm not going to eat anything, although I could still take more than 250 calories.
No way.
B=yogurt(70)
L=Simmental (70)+ 100g peas( 80)+ 100g mushrooms (22)
Tot=242
worked out...yeah. but I guess it doesn't help. last week I was 125. how could I have gained 5 pounds?? I haven't even binged.
I wish I had a fucking gun. Maybe cause it's the only thing I haven't tried to kill myself with yet.
_____________________________________
Now I made another mess. I was very upset and depressed for my weight and got the frustration out in the worst way ever: with my boyfriend. Now I was pissed cause he got stuck with some silly stuff on the internet and when it's a mission to see each other also through web come because of the jet lag, you want to take as much as possible from every second of it. And well how this started was really stupid, seriously. He pretended to be jealous for my "crush" on my history and philosophy teacher (yeah I'm a fucking attention addicted) and somehow the conversation turned into a kind of argument. More a monologue actually, where I ended up saying that I wanted to leave him hence he ended up vomiting like crazy and I ended up feeling the monster I am and he ended up feeling extremely guilty and I ended up telling him that he doesn't have to think about that cause I'm just a sick deranged fat girl who can't lose weight and has a problem with food and he, of course, is sure now that it's all his fault, although he knows that it can't be cause I've hated my body and had a problem with food since I was a child. And I had one angry binge on, but I kept on peas and mushrooms and I feel a freaking monster cause I'm happy that i kept on that (although I shouldn't have...but at least i only got other 100 calories so I'm still under 500) where I should be feeling COMPLETELY a shit for what I've done. You can't imagine how sensitive is this guy here. But I know. So I should think about it, before acting as a jerk. And now he's not answering to my messages and I feel extremely sick and destroyed. As if someone burnt my soul and now it looks pretty much like a great landscape after loads of lava covered it. Why can't I be a better person????
Hey hun, it will all work out, give him time and I'm sure he will answer your messages. You aren't a bad person and he won't think that either, everybody gets upset. Stay strong ok?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about the weight as well, it will work out though, you can do this.
Alice xx