Oh, seriously, who am I trying to kid?
Talking about changes that just make life better... talking about having the strenght to really make these changes...talking about having goals, so feeling to have a purpose... talking about future.
Bullshit.



All a huge, enormous, whopping, gross cluster of bullshit!



I'm no way good enough to even stop taking those fucking cereals. How the fuck am I supposed to do great changes in my life???
And then, if you really wanna know, I'm not even sure it will be worth it.
I did try to change things in my life. So many freakin times. But things always seemed to get worse.
I'm tired of this.
So very tired.
I wish I could just sleep all day.
I wish I could lay down, under my blanket, close my eyes and let it end there.

And today is also Easter, so I'll have to go through a giant lunch with all my fucking relatives, who I hate and I'm tired of being mocked by. I hate these family things. I'm always the clown of the situation. And I'm tired of being a clown. Of being a freak of nature you can get fun of and then leave alone cause it's not interesting anymore. If that's what I am, I don't wanna be myself anymore. I'd rather die.

I hope that beyond this fat I'll be able to destroy also all those other weaks of me I can't really stand anymore. I know that somewhere, in the deep of myself, I am a strong person. So I'm extra pissed off when people think I'm just an apathetic, inopportune, mediocre, whining fat fat fat girl.

Hope they'll regret. I'm not sure, though. I mean, I did lose weight once. Went from 140 lbs to 89. Yeah that was a big achievement. But the only thing I can remember of it was feeling hopeless, awful, chronically depressed and tired, so very tired. I didn't take any pictures at the time, because i thought I was too disgustingly fat. I remember the cold. Didn't matter how many clothes I put on, I was always feeling so terribly cold. And I remember my parents crying. Damn them! But in a few months I'll be hopefully going to uni, far from home, so they won't be there to piss me off. And about the depression etc, well, I have gained all the lost weight...but I don't feel better. Not one bit.
I still don't have friends. I'm still the second choise. I'm still a failure.



Once, on a thinspo pic, I read " I have to choose between being fat and miserable or being skinny and really miserable. It's hard to pick".

Yeah, it is.