Fucked up stomach = Fucked up life

It's almost concerning how our life can be so deeply influenced by what enters in our stomach.

Eat a little= Very good day!
Eat nothing= Pretty much perfect day <3
Eat in the average= Not too much of a bad day...but it could get better
Eat a lot= Very bad day
Binge= Horrible horrible horrible day!!


It doesn't matter if I've gone out with people and didn't have a bad time with them. The previous days all look awful in my memories, due to the awfully huge amount of food ingested.

I'm trying so very hard not to go back to the binge-purge cycle, but it's just so hard.
My stomach just can't digest food. 
It keeps coming up by itself, I swallow it again, once, twice, three-four-five- six times...but it's so disgusting that then I give up. Also, not being able to digest properly there are also some half digested things that come up. Like this morning I had breakfast: 40g of oaths with a small banana and light milk. After 10 minutes it was already climbing my throat and coming back to my mouth.
So I swallow in disgust.
At the third time, though, it wasn't just oaths, banana and milk coming up. There was also bloody sushi and alcohol.
So I ran to the toilet.

Of course what comes up are still little amounts of crap. If I put my fingers in my throat I could get rid of all this so much faster...but I can't allow my self to get used to that shit again.
Couldn't even work out as I wanted cause after every 5 abs I had to stop and throw stuff in the toilet.
My throat is soring so much.



I want to take some apple vinegar, since it apparently helps burning fat.
I used it for a bit, and it was apparently working. Also a friend of mine is using it and he can see some results.
But now my throat is so soring...
Also cause I'm smoking far too much.

I just can't find a balance these days. I keep smoking, eating, drinking so much alcohol.


Had my hair died and cut yesterday. I don't know why. I was pretty happy with it, even if they probably needed a bit of a cut. I just don't know why I have to ruin my self this much.
So yesterday I was feeling particularly horrible and huge. I tried not to think about it but when this friend of mine gave me a ring to tell me to get out cause she was waiting for me I could find the strength to face the outside world only after 2 glasses of whisky shot down my throat.
I just feel like drowning my self in alcohol.

This is just no good.

Some days are so long and empty. I am so tempted to take some of my old meds to sleep, but they also make me terribly hungry at that's the last thing I need.

So now I'm also turning into an alcoholic and keep thinking about getting drugs and shit like that.

My cravings go along a narrow razor line between happiness and balance and sorrow and self destruction.

And the worst still has to come: HUGE lunch with all freakin annoying relatives.

I HATE THAT SO MUCH!!!


But on a positive note, if my stomach keeps getting fucked up I might find easier (as soon as these parties and stuff are over, so tomorrow) to restrict with food (yeah food has become a synonymous of pain and filth recently) and this time next week I'll be in Rome, trying to get ready for my first day of uni (other thing that fucking scares me). Once I'm there I should find easier to keep the control on what I'm eating, since I'll be the one buying and cooking stuff.



Hope life is smiling at you.



A very special "thank you" for the new followers and for leaving me such lovely comments. They give me the idea that someone cares about me and you can't imagine how much that means to me.