Broken

I don't even know what to begin with.


I feel sick. Extremely sick.


Yesterday it was a very bad day.

I binged.

And purged.

Then binged again and made a great effort not to purge again.
I hate to vomit. I hate the way it burns my throat, I hate the way my head feels all dizzy, I hate feeling so miserable, I hate feeling so weak.

I went to sleep at 8 in the morning. Couldn't close an eye all night long. I was just feeling too fat. The way it got stuck to my bones, to my real body creeps me out.
Yeah for some reasons I can't see it as a part of me, but only as something estrange, like a terrible alien, a parasite, a disease.

I feel cold, so cold, even if it's like 26 °C outside.

My legs shake as if I had a fever




It's hard when you can't cry.

Sometimes you just want to get rid of a bit of crap. I can't do it, not normally at least. The only tears I see are those leaving my eyes as my fingers go deep down my throat.
Yesterday I broke my promise to keep far from bulimia because I desperately needed to feel some tears going down my cheeks. People may don't think about it normally, but to me that is one of the best feelings ever. If I could I'll may cry for days straight.

Not vomiting has been the hardest part in the last 17 hours. Even stopping was hard. My throat was on fire but some dark force still brought me to go on.
Then, tonight, I binged. I was nervous. It's about the boy, H. I ate some strudel ( FUUUUCK MUM WHY THE HELL DO YOU KEEP MAKING IT???) and because there was nothing but cereals but I'm pretty determined not to touch them I made my self a fucking sandwich with salami.

I EVEN FUCKING HATE SALAMI!!!!

So it wasn't just the guilt that brought that fucking sandwich all the way up my throat for all the freaking night, I was actually disgusted.



About the boy...Oh it's just that I'm sick.

Not of him, oh gosh no. I'm really ill. I keep being paranoid and thinking that he will leave me.
After all that's just what everybody did, always, in my life.
People can't spend with me more than a certain amount of time.
I keep doing something wrong, being wrong somehow that brings them to leave me.
They take what they can and go, without even giving too much explanations and certainly without missing my presence at all.
But this would bring me to talk about stuff I don't really want to talk about right now.








I...I don't really know what I would do without him.
He made me as happy as I've never even imagined I could ever feel.
The month we spent together was nothing but perfect.
Some little normal arguments, all right, but they were perfect too in their own way.
I've never felt so loved. I've never felt loved at all I guess. 
Every single moment of my life, when I look around I feel claustrophobic. I feel uncomfortable with where I am and what I am doing. 
EVERY
SINGLE
MOMENT

I feel too big for everything. I feel so absolutely wrong wrong.
Then one day, while walking with H, I looked around. And there was nothing but peace. Everything seemed just at the right place. And for the first time, even if I'm outrageously fat, I felt I was just where I was supposed to be.

I know, it's crazy.
I...only thinking about it I feel stupid at the times. Like: how can that have happened? and how can that have happened to someone like me?? that doesn't make any sense.

He's just so...delicate. In everything he does, in the way he looks around, in the way he interacts with the world in general.
He's so beautiful and delicate. Like a flower, like those gardenias he loves so much. There's such a purity in his grey-blue eyes... Sometimes he seems so spotless I'm afraid of taking him out, I'm afraid that all the dirt of the world, all its cruelty, all its injustice, its hypocrisy, its spots, will attach him, will hurt him.
And still I can't think about a safer place than his arms.

Now after almost one year of relationship it wouldn't make any sense that he left me all of a sudden...Maybe...
but i can't stop being afraid. I...I didn't think I would fall so much in love. 
That's the way I am: limitless, measureless. I can't be balanced, especially in a relationship. And especially in this one. I give all myself. It's wrong, probably. This time i managed to resist more, since we've been so far away for nine months.
Sometimes it just hits my nerves so much how my day completely changes if we talk or not.
I mean he's studying for uni, so it's normal that he can't spend a lot of time talking to me when he has to do all those different assessments etc


I'm just so very selfish.






Haven't done any workouts yet today. Yesterday I did 150 abs. I'm starting to get used to that first, cause I've noticed I tend to get more inconstant when i do all the exercises. When i got skinny some years ago I started doing just a couple of things and then added the rest. So it might take me more time but at least this way I really do something. In the last months I've constantly talked and thought about a LOT of exercises I needed to do and always ended up not doing any (since I stopped going to the gym to study, that is).


Had 30g of oats and a banana up to now (3 p.m).





Oh my, I'm such a pig.