60 days challenge!!!!!!

Alright, time to get some work done.

I gotta start to make things work and stop being an idiot.


I've been pretty silly in the last days... Keep drinking alcohol, get a fucked up stomach, binging, purging, sleepless nights...I've let my self down, spent never ending days staring at the roof, smocking huge amounts of cigarettes and feeling crap.
I managed not to eat too much Sunday (50 g of pasta with tomato sauce, 40 of meat and a bit of salad), then, because I'm not sleeping at night and I keep falling asleep like at 7.30 am and waking up at 9 or max 10, I fell asleep and slept until 7 p.m. When I woke up I was feeling such a pig and didn't want to have another sleepless night (as I wrote I knew that the life style I'm having is not good for me), so I had this great idea of vomiting and then skull 4 tablets of antidepressants I had saved when I still hadn't completely given up with therapy. I was on the Entact, if anyone has ever heard of it. If you haven't, that wouldn't surprise me: it's quite a light one and surely not one of the most famous. It has never really worked too good, if not that it used to make me fall asleep for whole the afternoon, so yeah in its own way it prevented me from killing my self for a certain amount of hours. It also gave me some kind of hallucinations and weird dreams now that I think about it.
So I thought it would have helped me to get some sleep and decide that 40mg would have been enough.
I went in the toilet (my parents don't know I still save these tablets and the Rizen), but the 40mg of course turned into 120mg. 12 tablets. I only realized that because the packet of 20 tablets, which still counted 12 tablets, was finished.

Let me just say that if you really want to kill yourself with some meds make yourself sure you get so many you'll die pretty much instantly and go for the sleeping pills, because antidepressants (even if the Entact is more of a tranquillizer) is gonna give you a pain you won't easily forget.
I was good for the first half an hour...then the hell began.

It started with the stomach. Never had such a bad nausea for quite a while. It felt as if some random John Cena was constantly punching it. I was watching the tv with my brother and my father and had to hide my face a couple of times and bite my lips so hard not to let them open and vomit everywhere.
I could have gone to the toilet and let the vomit come up but I was so afraid it would have been worse. 
Then the pain got spread to every single limb of my body. It was like being on fire. I was cold sweating, trembling and just couldn't stop. I had no coordination. Tried to do the watch-your-finger-touching-your-nose-and-going-away-from-your-face but it was pathetic. It took me so much effort to stand up and go to the toilet and gosh I was so pale and sweaty, with some huge purple eye shadows that I'm pretty sure that if my mom woke up she would have thought I just had some heroin.
I tried to go to sleep at 5 a.m. but there was no way it was gonna happen. I couldn't lay still, every single muscle of mine was hurting just so much, too much. Sometimes I found my self unable to breathe. I was just panting and it seemed that I couldn't get anything into my lungs and I was still trembling, sweating and trying not to vomit over my self.

It took me all the following day to recover.



Now all this crap really has to stop.
My boy will come like at the end of November, and I'll have lost 15 lbs by then. Or at least that's the plan. 
8 Kg in 60 days would be quite an achievement, and like all big achievements, it's gonna be very hard to pursue. I can't allow myself not even one binge, not even one day off, not even 100 calories more, not even one day without working out very hard. 
Please if you have any suggestion for the diet, let me know. This is soooo important to me.

This time I don't want to fail. This time I won't.

But having such a little time I am a bit concerned on what diet I should choose.
Like... apparently fasting is not very good...I don't know. I do remember that when I got to 39 Kg (even if it was just for a very little time) I hadn't fasted one day. not even one. I'd may eat just a mandarin and an apple and burn 700 calories, but I had never fasted.
But then I also hear people saying that if you cut too many calories you'll get stuck on a plateau and maybe even gain.
I was doing the skinny diet some time ago, and I was really burning a lot with cardios and excercises...but didn't get a lot of results. I did lose a couple of Kg, but it all came back as soon as i had to stop going to the gym because of my study, even if I really hardly ever go beyond the 1000 calories limit. 
Then you hear people losing weight with a 1200 calories diet and you think "WHAT THE FUCK???"
When I started to gain weight and reached the 52 Kg I went to see a doctor cause I wanted to get to 47 and stop there and be happy with it. I wasn't really happy with where Ana was taking me. All I've wanted since then has been being thin in a healthier way. Stop losing and maintaining instead, you know. He gave me a 1200 calories diet and despite the exercise and everything I gained 3 kg in 2 weeks. TWO BLOODY WEEKS!!!

So I don't know...I've read on a web site that to lose these 8 Kg in 2 months I should eat max 750 calories each day.
I think I can easily do it, but I'm so afraid that it's not gonna work.


Does any of you girls have the same problem with losing weight, despite the diet and the exercise?
Do you follow a specific diet? Do you think that fasting helps losing without gaining it back even with a bowl of salad?



I want to do this so much, but I know that I can't allow my self to make even one mistake.
I also know it's gonna be hard, but I'm ready to do all the possible and even more to get there.

The challenge officially starts tomorrow, even if today my intake has been of 120 calories so far and if my mum forces me to have dinner I'll only have a little bit of fish and get up to 200 (with at least another hour of workouts, of course).
My scale is broken so I won't be able to weight my self but I'm pretty sure I'm still 59-60 Kg. So tomorrow pictures and this time I will get where I want.

This time I know I can get there.