boom

Some days I just wish I had a gun.

I like thinking that it would be so much easier to end it all.

A big breath

BOOM!

The End.

All this hell will stop.

There will be nothing but peace...

I need a fucking gun. 

Now.

               
                
He moves as if his limbs could follow an imperceptible melody other ears could not perceive.
Please love me.



He is a poem. His skin made of black ink that runs on thin paper, trying to catch up with the feelings. 
Please let go of him. Please don't break him. 

How can someone be so ethereal, so delicate, so spotless?

A porcelain doll, whose grey-blue eyes have the tragedy and sorrow of who has stared, helpless, to all the pain of the world.
Who am I to contaminate with my dirty touch such a stunning miracle? 






I have felt the cold, pouring, rain harpooning my bones with one thousand needles of steel.
Staring there, in front of a past that still stands there and reminds you how little you are.
Happens when you live in Rome.



Black threatening clouds shout their anger in thunders e intimidating lights.
The rain gets harder, stronger, thicker.
What are we compared to the struggle of history?





Our memories will fade away, losing themselves in the night of time.
Our pain and sorrow, our joy and fears, our love so defenceless
Will be washed away, scraped from the walls of life.





What will remain of us?

Of the eternal perception of your hands on mine,
Of the invisible tears I've poured to heal my soul?




Are we lost, or there's no really a path we can follow?
No, don't go.
Please.
Don't go away.





The sun is pale and feeble
then how's that there so much light around you?
 Don't run this fast. 
I can't make it.
I'll be lost.
I can't make it.




Stop.
Here.
With me.




Give me just one more scent of your fragility.
Don't leave me, please.
Let me just hold your hand one more time






But you tremble as I touch you.










                                                       Why can't I be able to love you?




















"But there must be a way!"
We move but we don't, a mass of student surrounds us, but we feel alone.
C. smiles, but there's no joy in his smile. He has been struggling to find answers too. He has been struggling to find a place in the present, but the silence of the past is easier to accept.
He studied History and Political Studies at the Heidelberg University, my history lecturer.
He had the same hope something could have been done that I have.
He had the same dream of cities full of lights, of people walking happy of being where they are.

Then he found out there's nothing you can really do.
They fill your head of theories, of plans, of mathematical equations aimed to calculate the perfect way of doing things. Aimed to give you the illusion the world will be a wonderful place one day.
But there's nothing you can really do.
"You may have some good proposals, you may obtain a little place somewhere, you may think that now you can do something, that you will do something good, but they will never let you do it. You will be surrounded by people who ask you favours, and persecuted by people you can't deny the favours they ask for."

History is comforting.
But there's no space in it for someone like me, C., H, you, us.

We walk for miles in Rome's streets. The magical match of past and present of the city reflected on the dark shadows of a nostalgic history professor and a young student full of silly dreams walking together, talking in silence.




My life constantly slips out of my hands. It simply rolls down some massive hill and when I manage to catch it, it is always too late, and I don't even recognize myself anymore.



I feel old.
I feel I've been here too long, and, somehow, not at all.



Where am I going?
What am I doing?
Where have I been?
What have I done?





Empty and too full. Always. All the time.





Refuse
Resist
Restrict

It's that simple.
Is it?



Craving control. But I don't know what controls me anymore.
Am I the one who controls this? Or it's my disease that controls my mind?

I'm trying to do it healthy. But I'm sick of food.
I just want to be empty.











             
                                                    Weight this morning=54.8 Kg

Balance and Patience

I've decided!
Balance and patience are gonna be my new guide angels.

I've had a very bad time here.
I was just starving myself for days, totally unable to even think about it (just the smell of it would give me nausea) and then filling my self like a turkey on thanks giving and throwing everything i could in the toilet.


Yesterday I really freaked out.
Noticed that my hair was getting weaker, my nails fragile and I couldn't even stand up from my bed. At one point I also fell asleep by the loo (which I had somehow reached after filling all the bin I had next to my bed).

I was staring at my reflection in the mirror...all bloated, watery eyes, red face, dirty hair. I just couldn't do anything but sitting there, "crying" (in my pathetic way since there are no tears coming out), trembling like a dry leaf, although the sun was shining nice and warm, and...well I guess we all know the overall feeling of failure and depression.
I had spent days without going out, not even to uni, because I was too ashamed.

Then I found H online, despite there in Oz it was 4 in the morning.



I told him everything.




Yes, I know, this sounds crazy. Most of us will be like "WHAT THEE FUUUUCK HAVE YOU DONE MARY????"


Yes, I know, but he is different. He really is.
He didn't get angry. I know he was feeling like dying when I told him, but he managed to be reasoning and caring as he always is. 
Talking to him always makes even the worst looking a bit better. A lot better, actually.
And all of a sudden I was so positive I could beat this.
I have to.
I know that going on the ana path won't take me anywhere.
I did it before, and yeah I got damn skinny, but I wasn't even able to see it and I wasn't surely enjoying my body (I'd say more the opposite, actually).





I understood that what I want is to make peace with food.



Eating disorders terribly condition our life.

But now I'm not a kid anymore. Now I gotta work hard, I gotta work to become someone, one day.
Yeah this is an unusually happy post.
I know that life is crap, but since I'll die anyway maybe I should more try to take the good things I can, rather than just feeling crap and wishing to die. I mean, I will die anyway one day...

I actually don't know what I want to do with my life. But I do know that life is already difficult enough to let a freaking eating disorder making it even harder.

I've never had a sane relationship with food.
I hate food, goddamn. 
But if I don't change something I'll always be at the same point. And I know that I don't have a lot of choices:
a) keep starving-vomiting and purging, so that I'll get completely fucked up, gain weight, or lose it but being unable to stop, which will take me to recover, and to never ending troubles and it will break the heart of those I love and who kinda care about me.
b) just go for the starvation, but I'll have to stop at one point (you can't starve yourself forever...or at least without being taken to the hospital, and then having to recover and all the stuff i said before) and when I do, all the fat will come back and it will be even harder to get rid of it.


I already have the fucking metabolism of a 3 months old baby, I can't allow my self to play with it even further.


So, alright, maybe I won't be 54 by the end of this month, and I won't be 52 by the 15 of November.
But is it really worth it to be 52 for a couple of weeks and then going all speed ahead back to 60?

That doesn't sound that appealing, does it?



So, I'll start again, in a kind of healthy way.


I'm not saying I'll make it, but I will really try.


I gotta stay positive, so I can focus on my work and maybe even make some friends.
Feeling hopeless and miserable all the time doesn't help with getting people to like you.
And then well if H managed to start eating again for me, I guess I must at least try to get a healthier life style.







So today I had 400 calories.
It sounds horrible. It still sounds soo bad. But I must remember that I'm supposed to consume max 700 so 400 is still good.
I wanna work out everyday (which is hard to do when you can't even find the strength to stand up from your bed), as I was doing when I started this diet and wasn't trying to stay for days with 20 calories and shit like that.
Indeed, I didn't gain back the weight I lost when I was doing things in a healthier way.

Sooo yeah, I bought loads of veggies and decided to be good this time.

I'm not ready for carbohydrates yet.

I've also decided to go running during the week end (apparently it's not really the best idea to go running in the early morning here, even because I gotta leave from my place at 7.45 every day, so to do one hour of running, have a shower, get ready and stuff I should run like at 5 am. So I'll just go in the late afternoon when I can).




Soooo tomorrow I think I'll sleep in to catch up with some hours of sleep, and I plan to have 2 boiled eggs' whites for lunch and a nice salad for dinner. I might have an orange in the afternoon, I dunno. Depends on how my stomach feels ( I did have a hard time trying not to throw the yogurt up today!).
This would make a tot of less than 200 calories.

I made also a work outs program, but I'm a very lazy illiterate so I'll translate them and post them another time =P





Hope you girls are doing great!!!








 WE WILL MAKE IT!!!!

Everything is just so much, just too much

Ana moves gently and silently behind my back. 
She's like a shadow, like an angel sometimes, like a demon most of the times.
I can feel her elegance and impalpable harmony without even seeing her.

The taste of food disgusts me.
The smell of food has become the stink of food.






                                                                  I know I'm slipping, I can feel it.




I feel dizzy and I beg not to faint in front of the lecturer while, during the break, we talk about the Treaty of Versailles. His English with a German accent has something sweet, something that makes my brain kindly swing like a lullaby, something that makes my body lose all its strength.
"Is everything alright?" someone asks.

I turn around and I see the ex-anorexic girl's legs...so tiny and perfect.
"Yeah, sure. I'm a just a little bit tired".






Third binging-purging day.
This needs to be stopped.
I can't go on like this.
I'm tired of being a pig.




I can't even say I'm angry at my self. 
I'm just so deeply disappointed that I don't yell at my reflection anymore.
I just wonder what's my point here.
I can't even lose 4 bloody kg properly.
4 kg, goddamn. It's nothing!
I just wanted to be 52 by the time the boy gets here.
That was sooo easy.
That would have been sooo easy if I were a stronger person. But I'm not. I'm the weakest sack of shit ever.





                                                         I just want to cry so bad.






                                                        I don't wanna go out.
                                                                            I'm so ashamed.





I managed to binge on the stupidest shit ever. 
Like I made myself some rice. It was supposed to be a fasting day and I made it up to 9 pm. Then I was starving, but I said to my self: "Alright, let's get just a little bit of rice, as long as I study until 1 or 2 am so that at least part of this energy will be used".
A little bit my ass.



I can't control this anymore.
it was going so good, but I can't let anyone understand what I am doing, which is extra hard considering that this girl here has had (and probably still has) eating disorders and so she'd have just had to look in my eyes while saying "I'm not hungry" to figure out what is really going on.




BUT GODDAMN, I'M BLOODY OBESE!!
What's the problem if I lose some weight??!!
I must lose something like 15 Kg....And I'm not even able to lose 4...



It started with little things. Like having a piece of pizza and feeling guilty for that.


But like probably everybody here knows that's enough to make the mia cycle start again.


Just now it's not just one slice of pizza that I purge. It's 1 pizza and 3 croissants and a slice of cake.
It's whole the pot of rice and veggies. 


I've thrown everything in the bin. The little food that I still had here, I mean.
Since I can't control this thing in a rational way I'll have to do something else.
I'll just go around without money, so that I won't even buy my self stuff.

Likely a girl I know who was supposed to come here for the w-end will only come next Saturday, cause she had some problems at home. 
This means that I can starve my self for another week and a half.

I like feeling empty, even if I remember that feeling too well not to be a little afraid about it.

39 kg....goddamn. Wonder how's that I didn't end up in a hospital.
I actually made my self sure I was wearing lots of shirts and tights and large stuff when my parents were around. It's weird...I thought that 45 kg would have been enough, but now that I'm more than 10 kg far from that I'm already considering again the 40 goal.
And it's hard to resist to the temptation to get into the 30s.




What worries me the most is my relationship with my boy.
I really love him, even if I'm not able to show him in the proper way. He's still trying to get out of anorexia, and we still have little arguments about his ideal weight and stuff like that. I still have to give him big talks about gaining a couple of kg, and then getting upset when he actually loses 3 or 4.

Becoming deadly skinny will kill him.
I'm not sure I can do this to him.




On the other hand, I really want to get skinny.
I'm bloody tired of feeling inappropriate all the time.
I'm tired of feeling like crying every time I look at the mirror.
Tired of being SCARED of looking at my reflection.



Why can't I be a normal person, who just loses weight in a normal way?



I starve my self, and then start getting very sensitive about everything. All little details, all little feelings burst into myself as huge explosions. So I eat, to keep focused on what I'm doing. But everything I eat (even when I can actually kinda control my self) is just so much, just too much.



I'm trying not to keep vomiting.
It's hard. It's so bloody hard.
But I have to if I want Ana to stay by my side.

                                                    Cause that's what I want...

And what about the boy? Yeah...what about the boy...


 I don't know.
I don't know how to get out of this.
I don't fucking know.








But by the time being, I better get some bones show.
Everything will be alright then...

Won't it?